RagHag Diva

Dissecting all the weekly trash celebrity magazines so YOU don't have to!

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Predictions! (And an Essay re: Privacy??)

So there will be a lot of coverage on the DemEEE Moore/Ashton Kutcher wedding, and I predict at least one magazine, I'm thinking Star, will report as fact that there was no wedding at all.

There are rumors going around that the whole "wedding" was a prank for Ashton's "Punk'd" television show on MTV.

See, no one will confirm that a wedding actually took place. And E! reported that an email is going around from Ash's friend and co-producer (Jason Goldberg, who is married to Punky Brewster Soleil Moon Frye who also just had a baby girl they named POET - w.e.) that states the wedding is a hoax for the show. Of course, that e-mail could be a fake too. So many layers!

Liz Smith analyzed the reasoning behind celebrities withholding facts from the media in an interesting article that was published in the Sept. 29th New York Post. She basically said that the celebrity publicists are control freaks and have decided to not comment on anything. It is sort of stupid to not acknowledge stuff that's gonna be eventually discovered anyway. Celebrities say it's for privacy reasons, but that's bullshit. They didn't go into the entertainment business because they wanted to live a private, unexamined life. (Yeah yeah, spare me about your "craft" and your "art" when you're doing a movie based on a video game, oh Mr./Ms. Important Actor/Actress sitting your ass on James Lipton's stage talking about your method.)

Could it be that the reason celebrities don't confirm that they are dating (Brad and Angie) or married (Demi and Ashton, JLo and Marc) or pregnant (Jen and Ben, Britney and K-Fed) is they know they will generate MORE publicity and speculation by not saying anything at all?

It's an interesting dichotomy - if you want attention in this industry, withhold information.

But aren't celebrities taking this too far? I mean - come on: Jennifer Garner is six or seven months pregnant, and she walks the Emmy's red carpet without her husband Ben Affleck at her side. You know, there was a time in Hollywood where it would be scandalous if a pregnant star attended a red-carpet event without her husband by her side, holding her arm and protecting her should she get the vapors.

And I know it's a new century and we're progressive and all that, but it really bugged me to see her waddling the photog line without her husband - he should be proud to support her. Must he hide so there are no official pictures out there? Brad Pitt always showed up with Jen Aniston, even though he's SO movie star and she's SO TV. And as we are all well aware, Jen wasn't even pregnant! And there are going to be pictures anyway. Go ahead and pose! Y'all make a nice looking couple.

It's strange. Celebrities either give too much information, like Ben did with his former fiancee Jennifer Lopez, and get too much attention which quickly becomes information overload which then leads to career suicide. Or, they give out no information, like Ben and current wife Jennifer Garner, and get too much attention which will quickly become information overload and which will lead to career suicide.

So if celebrities really want their privacy, the key, it seems to me, would be moderation. Don't give the whole cow, but give a little milk now and then. Live your life, Demi and Ashton - don't go to extremes to hide shit, and don't go to extremes to announce it. Your public will admire you for it. Same for you, Ben and Jen. I understand you're a little gun-shy because of your ex and all, Ben - but come on. Just live your life and for christ's sake, if your super-pregnant wife is walking down a red carpet be there with her in case she stumbles.

But Brad and Angie - keep yourselves holed up for a while. I don't think I can deal with your righteous save-the-world crap so soon after your tacky destroying-a-marriage fiasco.

And now, back to our original subject matter - PREDICTIONS.

Rumors on the internet swirling that Gwyneth Paltrow is knocked up again. Everyone's having fun guessing the name of this one. I like "Orange" - then the younger sib won't feel the need to compete with Apple - cuz there's no comparing the two. HAHAHAHAHA!

I think Britney and her crew are pissed that Renne's annulment news stole her baby thunder, so expect more nauseating pieces on THAT trainwreck. There will be at least one post partum story and I heard on David Spade's show that she's going around saying she ain't never gonna have no baby again. Yeah, right honey. Once the babyness is gone from this one and you realize that this little adorable helpless thing becomes an autonomous, free-thinking person (and the 'thinking' part is debatable with the gene pool this kid's working with), you'll get yourself all knocked up again, sweetheart.

And the latest Angelina/Brad news is they went to the grocery store together in Canada. See what I'm saying? Not that I want these two to be public - but if they were, I bet we wouldn't give a shit about their grocery visits. Nah. We probably would. Whatever - Brad and Angie are screwed either way. If they REALLY want privacy they'll quit acting and move to Borneo. Brad can design an enviromentally-conscious yurt using all his architectural hobby skills and all of them can live privately ever after. Adopt as many children as you can - one from every country! And gather berries and non-poisonous plants and eat with silverware made from naturally-fallen branches. But if they're gonna stay in this society, they should just admit what everyone already knows already. And THEN they can save the world! Together!!!!!

Monday, September 26, 2005

BREAKING NEWS: Ashton, Demi Wed

So if you've been on the internet, or listened to the morning news, you already know that Demi Moore, 42, married Ashton Kutcher, 27. I love the age reversal!

Here's the story on People's website. This will be in all the rags next week for sure!

BREAKING NEWS: Bush off the Wagon?

This just in from a trusted friend: according to the National Enquirer, our President, George W. Bush, is back on the sauce. Now, I know y'all are thinking that the National Enquirer is even sketchier with the truth than Star. But after a series of damaging lawsuits, they really have to have credible sources before printing a story.

I will be conducting more research over the next 24 hours so tune in to read if this story is picked up elsewhere. In the meantime, feast on this.

Britney's Name Game - Star gets it WRONG!

One of my predictions came through. Star reported that Britney spawned "Preston Michael Spears Federline at 12:57 p.m. on Sept. 14 in an enormous suite at the posh UCLA Medical Center in Santa Monica, Calif."

Oops, they fucked up again! Baby Federline's name is Sean Preston Federline. I have to throw mad props to Britney for naming her son a normal, if somewhat boring, name. It's refreshing that she chose not to name her offspring after a city, profession or fruit.

Whomever wrote this story (there are five authors listed for the three-page tome) has obviously never had a c-section, or known anyone to have a c-section, or knows anything about the birthing process at all, evident in the first line of the article:

Her flushed cheeks still glowing with perspiration, the exhausted new mom watched blissfully as her beautiful baby's excited dad cut the umbilical cord and grandma snapped a picture.

Okay folks. This was a planned c-section, meaning she was not in active labor when she had the procedure. So why is she "glowing with perspiration" and "exhausted"? Obviously, the labor and delivery rooms must be on the top floor of the hospital, and the elevators must have been out of commission. Or maybe Brit wanted to get a jump on getting back in shape. Either way, she must have ran up the flights of stairs and immediately jumped on the gurney and had herself wheeled into the OR. Idiots.

Star also gets the quote of the week award in the same story:

Adds a source close to Kevin: "He's just as happy as can be with his new son! Kevin told me, 'My son is a gangsta, man! The first time I held him in my arms, he peed on me! I had to change my shirt!' He got a kick out of it."

Awww. Such sweet words for his newborn son. As Star tends to be liberal with the idea of truth, the reader can choose which "facts" to believe and which to discard as utter absurtity. This one I choose to believe.

You Had Me at Goodbye...

Again my prediction comes through. The story of the week is the Renee Zellweger/Kenny Chesney breakup. Here's a breakdown of the lowdown:

Star: They barely knew each other, the only spent 15 days together before getting married, blah blah blah. They focus mainly on why they got married in the first place - REBOUND. Everyone who reads this trash knows that Renee was with Jack "I'm a Freak" White, lead singer of Detroit-based band The White Stripes, for two years and broke up something like 14 minutes before she started dating Kenny Boy. But according to Star, Kenny was ALSO on the rebound. Kenny was dating 25 year old real estate agent Allison Stewart for three years, "breaking up not long before his wedding to Renee Zellweger in May." That dirty two-timing dog! Anyway, she dumped him, and they married each other to show their exes that see! someone CAN love them!

No mention of the gay theory - but they do report that Kenny stayed at "The We Care Spa" for four days prior to Renee's annulment filing, and that he was "friendly" with some (female) model who was also there. This SCREAMS publicist plant to me. And what a horrible name for a spa. There's something so desperate about it.

People: They barely knew each other, high-speed courtship, frequent long-distance separations, blah blah blah. Also, Kenny is in love with love, says one friend. And they spent more time together than people realized, "at least in the beginning". Kenny didn't like the fact that his new bride was a mega superstar, and wasn't used to paparazzi and higher security levels. But their love was real. No mention of the gay theory.

Life&Style: They barely knew each other, high-speed courtship, doomed before it started, blah blah blah. Ah, but here's an interesting quote. "She thinks Kenny used her for publicity and to bolster his own image," a longtime Renee friend said, "and it really has improved his career." No mention of the gay theory, though! I'm starting to think all that chatter on the Internet is misguided!

Us: They barely knew each other, high-speed courtship, Dr. Phil correctly predicted 4 months, blah blah blah. Seems like Kenny played the romantic prince in the beginning, but dropped that role as soon as they were legally bound unto onest another. And they imply that Renee turned into a countrified Stepford Wife - someone from HER camp said that in May, when they got married, she was "speaking with a southern twang." Creepy. Another of HER friends says she just married him because she was trying to beat Jack "I'm a Freak" White to the altar (Jack "I'm a Freak" White married HIS rebound just 23 days after Renee married hers). Sheesh. I say she married him cuz she has such shitty friends. With friends like these... Anyway, no mention of the gay theory. Hmmm.....

In Touch: They barely knew each other, high-speed courtship, he could be gay, blah bla - WAIT! Ding Ding Ding! The Gay Theory appears. To quote Gene Hackman in "The Birdcage": I felt like I was inSANE. Here's the mention:

Some - including Cleveland Plain Dealer columnist Chuck Yarborough - have even gone so far as to address a persistent rumor that Kenny is gay. But his rep tells In Touch: "Kenny is not gay. He doesn't want to judge anyone or their lifestyle, but the fact is that he is 100 percent straight."

So they are pulling their strategy right out of the Seinfeld episode, "The Outing." Clever, Mr. Kenny Chesney's rep. But dost protest too much, Mr. Kenny Chesney's rep? The comment that tips me off that this is a huge cover up is the "100 percent straight" part. That's what all the baby daddies say on Maury and most of the time, they ARE the father.

Phew - so, we will have to wait for The Smoking Gun to unearth these annulment papers to find out the real truth about this pesky "fraud" comment. Until then, I'll keep reporting on what each of their publicists are planting to the weekly rags!

Speaking of Baby Daddies....

Oh, Amber Frey - you sweet born-again Christian you. Say it ain't so.

But it is so, Ms. Amber - because it's in People. And People does not lie.

Remember Amber Frey? She's the girlfriend of wife and unborn baby murderer Scott Peterson? (Hmmm, how do you really feel about Scott, RagHag?) So remember Amber's daughter, Ayianna? She totally had Scott the murderer pick her up at day care like 4 days after they met and slept together? Well, turns out the guy who THOUGHT he was her father really, like, isn't.

Anthony Flores has been paying child support for 5 years, but Amber wouldn't let him see her. He finally went to an attorney and it was suggested that he ask for a paternity test to see if the girl was really his daughter. Well, as it happens, he's NOT the father. The father is the owner of Porky's Rib House, a Mr. Christopher Funch.

So, Ms. "I found Jesus" has been taking this guy's money while knowing that it's possible that he's not the father. And does she issue an apology to the poor guy, even through St. John's-loving Gloria Allred? That would be NO. Look, I don't like to be judgemental - okay, we all know THAT'S not true. I'll just stop here and let the story speak for itself.

Funch. Owns Porky's. I just can't make this shit up.

Tori's Story

So my prediction that we would hear more about Tori Spelling's impending divorce was proven correct. But what I didn't expect was the level of detail that Tori herself provided to the RagHag bible, People.

Hours before her wedding, Tori's mom told her "the man you end up marrying should love you a little more than you love him. I always thought my mom was wrong. But it's that way with Charlie."

Sounds harsh, right? Well, when you read the entire article, it turns out that it was just their reality. She got caught up in the wedding plans. Her friends were all commenting and gushing about how great he was for her. He was the first "nice guy" she's been involved with. He seemed perfect for her. So she married him.

But turns out, though she loves him, she's not in love with him. She says, "I feel that I've really disappointed people. I've disappointed everyone who came to my wedding. I'm disappointed in myself. I don't know exactly what happened and when things started to go wrong."

So we don't get his side, because he refused to comment. But we do learn that she met someone else - some actor who is starring in a made-for-Lifetime movie with her - Dean McDermott. So he's married too and just filed the divorce papers on his wife - except he's been with her for 12 years and has 2 kids.

She's a nightmare mess and needs full-time therapy. But the tone of honesty in the article, even if it is all hoo-ha, is kind of refreshing.

There's an excerpt on People's website - but I say try to get your hands on the full article. It's a good one.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Predictions!

Well, readers - Friday is almost here and that means a whole new stack of trash magazines for me to decipher! The anticipation is going to keep me up tonight! A reader suggested I make predictions on the Gossip of the Future. Oh - there are so many directions I can take this! But I thought the most fun to start with is what I think the gossip mags are going to print in the upcoming pubs:

  • Due to the whole Zellweger/Chesney breakup, coverage of another breakup was all but ignored this week on the gossip boards - and it's one in which I find much pleasure. Tori Spelling and her not-famous husband of a year are splitting! The rags devoted much color ink to photo spreads of her over the top wedding. Let's see how much space they take talking about the divorce.
  • Of course, more space will be devoted to Zellweger/Chesney and this little issue surrounding the "fraud" she indicated in her annulment papers. Some say he didn't want kids. Some say he was too busy for her. Some say he is controlling and cheap. And some say he'd rather be hanging with Mr. (Anderson) Cooper (see below). Well, after the mags come out, it will all be murkier than ever.
  • But the story of this week's rags will be Britney's Spawn. I predict that the mags will report 3 different names, at least one story on post partum ala Brooke Shields, and that this kid has already made more money than his father has in his entire lifetime.
  • And in brief: Meadow on the Sopranos? Jamie Lynn DiScala? Divorcing her husband, provider of the surname DiScala. And Rebecca Romijn-ex-Stamos? Getting married again to Jerry O'Connell. Come on ladies - you're in entertainment. Keep your names and save everyone the hassle of trying to remember where to stash your "Whatever happened to.." files. And there will be tons of shit on the Emmys.

So let's see - is the Ouija board right? Does my Magic 8 Ball rock? Can I cash it in and start my own 1-900 psychic line? Tune in to find out!

Reader Question - Is Anderson Gay?

So I love getting questions - we all wonder 'did we hear that right?' or 'is so-and-so dead?' Send them my way and I'll do my best in answering them.

And without further ado, my FIRST question:

Dear RagHag Diva:

I have been madly in love with Anderson Cooper for about two years. I realize he is too young for me. But, I need to know if he is gay. I checked around and no one seems to know for sure. I need to know just in case he loves the older woman type.

I never give up on the men I love. Bogey has been dead since 1957. But, I know I would have stood a chance with him.

Signed,
Confused

Dear Confused:

You are not the only one confused about Anderson Cooper's sexuality. Message boards all over the internet have been hypothesizing this very topic for years. The skinny is that it has never been confirmed, by Mr. Cooper or anyone else, if he is, in fact, gay - though most people who think about these sorts of things seem to think that he is.

The one article that openly suggests that Anderson plays for the other team is from Out magazine, written by His Holy Gayness Michael Musto. Titled simply Anderson Cooper, Musto asks very smart questions as to why the mainstream media and Anderson himself remain quiet on this issue, "though the same scribes are not so timid about reporting on Christiane Amanpour’s marriage or Soledad O’Brien’s twins."

The website only provides a portion of the article, which caused a lot of letters to be written in criticism of Musto outing Cooper. Musto defends himself in Musto Answers His Anderson Cooper Critics, and his arguments are extremely compelling and thought-provoking.

But the short answer to your question is, yes, by all appearances, Anderson Cooper seems to be gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Let's Start with Renee...

WOW! As you all may have heard, Renee Zellweger has filed for annulment of her 4 month marriage to Kenny Chesney on Thursday. The reason she cited? FRAUD!

But unfortunately for some of the rags, the news came too late for this week's pubs. Not only did they not report such juicy deliciousness, many of them printed stories of Renee's and Kenny's state of wedded bliss!

"I'm happier than ever" screams the headline in In Touch. "Newlywed sperstar Renee Zellweger finally opens up about her whirlwind marriage, her new husband and her great new life." Uh, I guess she didn't open up as much as they thought she did.

And in Life&Style: "Renee steps out - The happily married star put her best foot forward in Venice!"

Even more surprising than Renee's and Kenny's breakup is the fact that the usually error-riddled Star is the only rag that got it right: "Renee and Kenny: Why Are They Never Together?"

Hurray for Star! They get 1 "Woo Woo You Got It Right" star of their own for getting it right this time.

Life&Style and In Touch: -1 star

People, Us, InsideTV, and Celebrity Livings: 0 stars for not reporting a story on it at all.

TomKat News

Here's the breakdown:

Life&Style: The wedding will be on October 29. Or November 26. Or December 24 (the same date on which he married Nicole Kidman, no less! Scandal!)

Us: Just this stupid quote from Tom Cruise: "We don't have a date yet, [but we have] big big plans. The thing that I love about Kate is that she's an artist.... She'll do her own floral arrangements." First of all, Tom, her name is KatIE. And second, I'm not sure tying a ribbon on a calla lily qualifies one as 'artistic'. This almost wins for the Most Ridiculous Item of the Week.

Star: No date - but they do have an illuminating story about how Tom bought a house by Oprah in order to convert her to Scientology. Hey, I wouldn't put it past him. Oprah would be a huge SCORE!

In Touch: Katie's jealous of Keri Russell, Tom's co-star in Mission Impossible III. Remember her from Felicity? She followed her high school crush, Ben, to NYU and he didn't even barely know who she was? And then she meets Noel, who was her RA, and he loves her but she loves Ben, and... oh, sorry. I didn't watch that show or anything. Because, god, I was married and in my late 20s when that show was on. I totally wouldn't watch a show about college kids. Anyway, Kate (no eeee), you really don't have anything to worry about. No other woman in their 20s is going to snag that old Scientologist freak away from you. Calm DOWN!

Jen, Brad and Angelina - The Latest

Well, I wish I could tell you the latest drama surrounding this tumultuous threesome. But every story in this week's rags contradict each other. Wow, what a surprise.

In Touch made the threesome their cover story, with the charming headline "JEN'S BREAKDOWN" Jen must be so pleased. Not only did her husband leave her for the one actress who's actually hotter than her, but her breakdown needs to be printed in ALL CAPS on the cover. So Jen's losing it on strangers that walk the beach in front of her rented Malibu home. See, the beach is technically private property - so people can swim in the ocean in front of her house, but they can't set foot on the sand. So there's a picture of her pointing her finger in fury at some guy, and In Touch claims she's really mad at Brad and Angie:
All the hurt and resentment of the past few months, the pain of losing her
husband and the life they had together, hit Jen like a bolt. As she stood
in front of the rented house she'd moved into to avoid the painful memories in
the home she'd shared with Brad, the anger Jen had been bottling up finally
erupted.

Uh, or - maybe some creepy guy broke into her house THREE WEEKS AGO by walking up the beach and into her house and that's why she's a little snippy when she sees some creepy guy in all black out her back window. Naaaah. It's definitely because she's breaking down. It's all Angelina's fault!

Now Star also made the triangle their cover story, but went with an entirely different angle: "Furious Angelina: SHUT UP, JEN!" They found some picture of Angelina making her mad face beside Jen's sort of blank, absent "What'd I do?" face. So Angelina's pissed that Jen's going on Oprah (On Monday - set your TiVo's). Now the eloquent writers (as in plural) start their article with the following sentence:

Angelina Jolie has some candid advice for Jennifer Aniston: When she (Jen) talks
to Oprah Winfrey, stay out of her (Angelina's) business!

All those parentheses are theirs, people. And that's the lead sentence. There's a reason they print the byline in tiny tiny font at the end of the article

Us didn't put it on its cover, but they decided to ask Jennifer's DAD about the whole hoo-ha. John Aniston, aka Days of our Lifer Victor Kiriakis, says "She's doing great!" Uh, thanks Dad. That was insightful.

Life&Style did mention it on their cover: "Why Angelina's RUSHING MARRIAGE!" Hmm... do I smell gunpowder, cuz that headline sure implies a shotgun. Oh, no, silly RagHag! She's RUSHING MARRIAGE! because her 4 year old son wants her to. L&S even claims they held a mock wedding ceremony for Little Maddox to show him what he would have to do as a ringbearer. They couldn't just tell him? Look, Mad - you carry this pillow and walk down an aisle. I know he's four, but it's not that complicated.

Celebrity Living devoted their cover to the subject: "Brad's family rejects Angelina & pleads: CALL OFF THE WEDDING!" So the Pitt family has rejected her much like a unsavory transplanted kidney or liver. CL went to an expert - David Coleman, author of Making Relationships Matter: Nine Ways to Stay in Love for Life, who, for the record, has not treated Brad, Angelina, or any members of the Pitt family. He states:

There are six steps to a breakup, very similar to the steps of mourning following a death. Those apply to a family too. Brad and Angelina have sped through the steps of a new relationship. The Pitts are probably still going through the steps of loss for the end of Brad's marriage to Jennifer.

Uh, I'm still waiting for the six steps, Dr. Coleman! Oh, wait. You're not even a doctor. Then I will call you David. I'm waiting for these steps, David! Must I buy your self-help babble???

So you tell me - what the hell is actually going ON with these three? I think they are all pissed, rejecting each other, and in the middle of a HUGE breakdown.

Britney's Spawning Problems

Well, all's well that ends well. Britney had her precious baby with that winner sperm donor, emerging gansta rap phenomenon Keven Federline.

But much like the Renee/Cowboy breakup, the rags were unable to contain this news in this week's issues. (Props, sort of, must go to Us, who printed "IT'S A BOY! Britney's last-minute delivery details" on its cover. But I cannot grant it a "Woo Woo Got It Right!" star, because at least in my issue, there ain't be no mention of this wondrous addition to our world within the magazine itself. That is cheating, Us.)

So instead of writing about the birth itself (which will be next week - so get your vomit bags ready) the rags wrote about Britney's Baby Scare!

Star's cover boasts the titillating headline, in bold caps: "BRITNEY BABY DRAMA! ALL THE DETAILS!" But get this - they have NO STORY on it! They only had time to put it on the cover, and not actually, like, write a whole article about it. The do have a spread about all the renovations on their Malibu mansion, and then on page 41, there's a little blurb entitled "Brit & Kev: the Pre-Baby Battles" that talks about how Brit and Kev are fighting all the time. Uh, so that's news? That's not cheating, Star. That's false advertising. Shame shame. I take away the "Woo Woo Got It Right!" star I granted you for the Renee breakup scoop.

So Life&Style cover headline reads: "Britney cries: SAVE MY BABY!" Right before her due date, Britney faces a terrifying health crisis that puts her and the baby in danger!" Life&Style actually has a story that holds up its headline! "Doctors learned, say friends, that the baby was in a breech position. They also diagnosed Britney with low blood sugar and toxemia - a dangerously high blood pressure condition specific to pregnancy." Now that's what I'm talking about, folks. Toxemia, low blood sugar, breech baby - all constitutes drama to me. Now, if only we knew it was true...

In Touch's cover is running this headline: "BRITNEY'S RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL" and they, too, actually have a story. In Touch's sources, however, say the drama consists of severe cramps and a partially detached placenta (the same condition that caused her Kabballah BFF, Madonna, to have a c-section with her son Rocco).

The other pubs missed the story altogether, but we did get to hear about Britney's Hurricane Heartache in Celebrity Living. She feels the pain deeper than most celebrities, because she's from Kentwood, LA - a mere 87 miles from New Orleans. Don't worry - Serenity, the home she had built for her mom, was unharmed.

I sense an exclusive story in next week's People about this trauma. Let's see if anyone got this story right.

Most Ridiculous Item of the Week - 1

The honors go to Us.

This week, Us has a piece called "Us Young Hollywood Hot 20."

Among the lucky recipients? Jeremy Piven, age 40!

Now I love Jeremy Piven. Funny, yes. Talented, sure. Young? By Hollywood's standards, no frickin way.

Take a look at his profile on IMDB. His first acting role was in the movie "Lucas." I saw that in 9th grade folks. At the THEATER.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Introduction or I Have a Confession...

Hello. My name is RagHag Diva. And I'm a celebritytrashmagazineaholic.

It all started years ago innocently enough, with People. I was young, looking for a little escape from my humdrum predictable 9-5 grind.

Then Us came along and my addiction grew. Ah, the joys of competition! The juicier stories, the brighter and more compromising photos - O the Pretty Colors! I get misty just thinking of the innocence of those days.

As the celebrity gossip industry grew, so did my habit. I am now at a peak of seven rags a week. I tried to gain control over this publicist-created monkey on my coffee table (and bedside table, bathroom floor, etc.) by buying a subscription. I could at least save a bit of cash by buying in bulk. I started small, with one tiny subscription to the icon of all celebrity rags - the one that started my demise: People.

Then the problem began. I paid my $110.77 and waiting anxiously by my mailbox. It arrived. On Saturday. If you are a true junkie, you see my problem. For all you newbies - let me explain.

People arrives on the news stands on Fridays.

I went an entire 24 hours knowing that my precious fix was there, man. It was there, and I was foolishly waiting by my mailbox. It was the worst 24 hours of my life. I wouldn't wish that on even Britney Spears.

So the next week, I did what any true raghag would do. I got in my car, inserted the keys in the ignition with my shaking hand, and went to get my sweet sweet stash.

I repeated this every week until the subscription ran out. I hit bottom, paying twice for product that was old, stale, worthless. It was then that I crumbled and admitted my personal demon.

My name is RagHag Diva. And I'm a celebritiytrashmagazineaholic.

What? Oh, I'm not giving them up. Oh no, my friends. I will still be purchasing these worthless pieces of truthless trash as long as they keep publishing them. But I will save You, dear reader, the $19.73+tax a week by posting the juciest of the juicy - recaps of the best stories just for you! I will also be keeping track of those "facts" which turn out to be just blatant lies (i.e. Angelina was NOT impregnated by Bradley. She was adopting her latest addition to her Benneton family portrait). And I will be highlighting the most ridiculous items of the week. Don't worry, fellow hags - I cover them all - from the upper echelons of People and Us, to the trashiest of the trash - Star, Life&Style, and everything in between. And don't worry, every time a new one is released (which seems like a weekly occurrance) I'll be on top of it, so you don't have to.

As you will shortly see, like any true addict, I have a love-hate relationship with my drug of choice. I can't read these things without swelling with indignation, condescension and superiority. I, as most junkies, am better than my drug. But yet, every Friday either I go, or I send my enabling husband, to get my weekly fix. And I am satisfied. Until Thursday night. Then, the itch starts again.

I am Raghag Diva. And I'm a celebritiytrashmagazineaholic. Welcome to my nightmare.