RagHag Diva

Dissecting all the weekly trash celebrity magazines so YOU don't have to!

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Britney's Spawning Problems

Well, all's well that ends well. Britney had her precious baby with that winner sperm donor, emerging gansta rap phenomenon Keven Federline.

But much like the Renee/Cowboy breakup, the rags were unable to contain this news in this week's issues. (Props, sort of, must go to Us, who printed "IT'S A BOY! Britney's last-minute delivery details" on its cover. But I cannot grant it a "Woo Woo Got It Right!" star, because at least in my issue, there ain't be no mention of this wondrous addition to our world within the magazine itself. That is cheating, Us.)

So instead of writing about the birth itself (which will be next week - so get your vomit bags ready) the rags wrote about Britney's Baby Scare!

Star's cover boasts the titillating headline, in bold caps: "BRITNEY BABY DRAMA! ALL THE DETAILS!" But get this - they have NO STORY on it! They only had time to put it on the cover, and not actually, like, write a whole article about it. The do have a spread about all the renovations on their Malibu mansion, and then on page 41, there's a little blurb entitled "Brit & Kev: the Pre-Baby Battles" that talks about how Brit and Kev are fighting all the time. Uh, so that's news? That's not cheating, Star. That's false advertising. Shame shame. I take away the "Woo Woo Got It Right!" star I granted you for the Renee breakup scoop.

So Life&Style cover headline reads: "Britney cries: SAVE MY BABY!" Right before her due date, Britney faces a terrifying health crisis that puts her and the baby in danger!" Life&Style actually has a story that holds up its headline! "Doctors learned, say friends, that the baby was in a breech position. They also diagnosed Britney with low blood sugar and toxemia - a dangerously high blood pressure condition specific to pregnancy." Now that's what I'm talking about, folks. Toxemia, low blood sugar, breech baby - all constitutes drama to me. Now, if only we knew it was true...

In Touch's cover is running this headline: "BRITNEY'S RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL" and they, too, actually have a story. In Touch's sources, however, say the drama consists of severe cramps and a partially detached placenta (the same condition that caused her Kabballah BFF, Madonna, to have a c-section with her son Rocco).

The other pubs missed the story altogether, but we did get to hear about Britney's Hurricane Heartache in Celebrity Living. She feels the pain deeper than most celebrities, because she's from Kentwood, LA - a mere 87 miles from New Orleans. Don't worry - Serenity, the home she had built for her mom, was unharmed.

I sense an exclusive story in next week's People about this trauma. Let's see if anyone got this story right.


Anonymous mot said...

I love your site raghag, but let's get something straight. Ms. Britney is yesterdays news. Please keep her and her white trash family off the site. The only stories or updates on Ms. Britney I want to see are stories when she realizes she spent all her money on fast food and cigarettes and is now homeless.

12:58 PM  

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