RagHag Diva

Dissecting all the weekly trash celebrity magazines so YOU don't have to!

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Jen, Brad and Angelina - The Latest

Well, I wish I could tell you the latest drama surrounding this tumultuous threesome. But every story in this week's rags contradict each other. Wow, what a surprise.

In Touch made the threesome their cover story, with the charming headline "JEN'S BREAKDOWN" Jen must be so pleased. Not only did her husband leave her for the one actress who's actually hotter than her, but her breakdown needs to be printed in ALL CAPS on the cover. So Jen's losing it on strangers that walk the beach in front of her rented Malibu home. See, the beach is technically private property - so people can swim in the ocean in front of her house, but they can't set foot on the sand. So there's a picture of her pointing her finger in fury at some guy, and In Touch claims she's really mad at Brad and Angie:
All the hurt and resentment of the past few months, the pain of losing her
husband and the life they had together, hit Jen like a bolt. As she stood
in front of the rented house she'd moved into to avoid the painful memories in
the home she'd shared with Brad, the anger Jen had been bottling up finally
erupted.

Uh, or - maybe some creepy guy broke into her house THREE WEEKS AGO by walking up the beach and into her house and that's why she's a little snippy when she sees some creepy guy in all black out her back window. Naaaah. It's definitely because she's breaking down. It's all Angelina's fault!

Now Star also made the triangle their cover story, but went with an entirely different angle: "Furious Angelina: SHUT UP, JEN!" They found some picture of Angelina making her mad face beside Jen's sort of blank, absent "What'd I do?" face. So Angelina's pissed that Jen's going on Oprah (On Monday - set your TiVo's). Now the eloquent writers (as in plural) start their article with the following sentence:

Angelina Jolie has some candid advice for Jennifer Aniston: When she (Jen) talks
to Oprah Winfrey, stay out of her (Angelina's) business!

All those parentheses are theirs, people. And that's the lead sentence. There's a reason they print the byline in tiny tiny font at the end of the article

Us didn't put it on its cover, but they decided to ask Jennifer's DAD about the whole hoo-ha. John Aniston, aka Days of our Lifer Victor Kiriakis, says "She's doing great!" Uh, thanks Dad. That was insightful.

Life&Style did mention it on their cover: "Why Angelina's RUSHING MARRIAGE!" Hmm... do I smell gunpowder, cuz that headline sure implies a shotgun. Oh, no, silly RagHag! She's RUSHING MARRIAGE! because her 4 year old son wants her to. L&S even claims they held a mock wedding ceremony for Little Maddox to show him what he would have to do as a ringbearer. They couldn't just tell him? Look, Mad - you carry this pillow and walk down an aisle. I know he's four, but it's not that complicated.

Celebrity Living devoted their cover to the subject: "Brad's family rejects Angelina & pleads: CALL OFF THE WEDDING!" So the Pitt family has rejected her much like a unsavory transplanted kidney or liver. CL went to an expert - David Coleman, author of Making Relationships Matter: Nine Ways to Stay in Love for Life, who, for the record, has not treated Brad, Angelina, or any members of the Pitt family. He states:

There are six steps to a breakup, very similar to the steps of mourning following a death. Those apply to a family too. Brad and Angelina have sped through the steps of a new relationship. The Pitts are probably still going through the steps of loss for the end of Brad's marriage to Jennifer.

Uh, I'm still waiting for the six steps, Dr. Coleman! Oh, wait. You're not even a doctor. Then I will call you David. I'm waiting for these steps, David! Must I buy your self-help babble???

So you tell me - what the hell is actually going ON with these three? I think they are all pissed, rejecting each other, and in the middle of a HUGE breakdown.

2 Comments:

Anonymous mot said...

I think Ms. Jolie is trying to get Brad to marry her ASAP for the following reason: Ang is concerned that Brad won't be interested in her after he really gets to know her. She is using "Mad" as bait to draw Bradley in too.

My prediction- Brad and Ang will get married a week after brad and jens divorce is official. After they get married Angelina will decide to eat food again too.

12:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the skinnier she gets, and the bigger the shades, the more she looks like michael jackson!

9:47 AM  

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