RagHag Diva

Dissecting all the weekly trash celebrity magazines so YOU don't have to!

Monday, October 31, 2005

Another reason why Madonna sucks

Private mansion in the countryside of southern England: $14.5 million.

Kabbalah center headquarters in the heart of London: $6.5 million.

Elitist, patronizing, head up her own ass quote:

The material world... the physical world. The world of illusion that we think is real. We live for it, we're enslaved by it. It will ultimately be our undoing."
Fucking Priceless.

(You're from Pontiac, Michigan. Get over yourself.)

Britney's having (gasp) THOUGHTS!!

Oh, wait. It says "Britney's having DARK thoughts." I thought we had a real scoop here.

So here it is - I predicted that Britney would suffer from post-partum depression, ala Brooke Shields, and Life&Style has confirmed my premonition.

"I can't keep my mind from having these dark thoughts over and over - that something awful might happen to Sean," Britney supposedly told a friend - and an "expert" thinks she's suffering from more than the baby blues - she's in full-blown PPD. "I'm so nervous I'm not doing things right," she told another friend.

Even if Brit didn't say this, I am sure she's feeling it right now. Most new moms do. Shit, my kid is 10 months and I freak out every day that he's going to choke and die. It's hard being responsible for the livelihood of another human being.

And look at the partner she chose to enter into this sacred, scary phase - K-Fed. While she's hovering over her baby's crib, making sure that little guy is, in fact, breathing, he's out at LA club Mood "until early morning." When she asks him for his rationalization for this behavior, he tells her "he has to be seen as a hot young guy."

Uh, I don't care how many clubs he goes to. He will never been seen as "hot."

I feel for Brit. Sure, we all knew she was probably too young to be doing this. And we all definitely knew that the sperm donor she picked was a loser. But it's hard being a new mom. We'll see how long it takes for her to kick him out - it would be the smartest thing she could do.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Brooke's Preggers - I Wonder if Mr. Cruise Will Send Flowers?

Most likely, he's send a lovely assortment of Dianetic brochures.....

Yep, Brooke Shields is pregnant again. It's pretty brave to get knocked up again after suffering from such a severe bout of PPD after the birth of her first daughter, Rowan (who is an ADORABLE little baby, btw). I'd be freaking out - wondering if it was gonna happen again. But at least she knows what to expect. And there are drugs to take. Unless you're Katie Holmes.

Katie better PRAY she doesn't suffer the way Brooke did. I mean, if severe PPD isn't treated, the consequences could be dire. Remember Andrea Yates?

But I digress. Congratulations, Brooke and family!

Mr. Sulu is Gay - and Not Ashamed to Say It

George Takai, who played Mr. Sulu in the original Star Trek series, has come out of the closet. To be honest, I never really got into the original series - I was more of a Next Generation girl. But I say good for you, Sulu! He and his partner has been together for 18 years and I bet he's relieved to claim his sexuality.

He said he came forward partially because of the social and political climate in which we live. He comments that he's amazed that the legalization of gay marriage is even being discussed - I guess demonstrating how far we've come just to have the topic on the table.

I'm a bit less positive than Sulu. I can't believe it's not legal in every state in this country. I can't believe we still live in a country where discrimination is legalized.

I wonder what it was like on the Enterprise. I don't remember there ever being any gay characters. If I'm mistaken, let me know. But how cool would it be to show a future where gay relationships are just as accepted as straight ones?

Live on, Sulu. And prosper.

At Least She Won't Be a Desperate Newlywed...

...like some LA residents (yes, you Britney).

So Nichollette Sheridan broke off her engagement to actor Nicklas Soderblom. Well, we don't know if that's exactly true. He could have dumped her, though I kind of doubt it since she's the one on Desperate Housewives and no one knows who the hell he is. Regardless, they broke up.

It's sort of sad. He bought her this dog when they were dating and she loves that dog so much. And any guy who buys her lady a dog can't be all bad.

But I say kudos to them. Too many celebrities get married without thinking about what it means to be married. Hell, too many people in general do that. The ones with balls call it off before it gets that far.

Except Stupid Spoiled Whore Paris Hilton. She sucks.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Janet says Lies, LIES!

Well well. Ms. Jackson denies Young DeBarge's claim that she had a baby 18 years ago.

I'm not sure. Young DOES have an album coming out, so this could be a publicity thing.

On the OTHER hand, the Jacksons are crazy, crazy people. I would NOT be shocked if it was true at all. It could totally happen.

Well, we'll just have to wait until Renee comes out of her dungeon and goes on Maury and demands a MATERNITY test.

Oh no. You did not just go there. Whatever. I can do what I want.

Monday, October 24, 2005

SCANDAL - Janet Jackson has a kid?

Janet Jackson, the star of the famous Superbowl Nipplegate, has a daughter, says her former brother-in-law Young DeBarge.

Janet was married for, like, 5 minutes to James DeBarge in 1984. Remember DeBarge? "I believe in the Rhythm of the Night - takes me to the morning light." Something like that.

So she was 18 and was married to James for 3 months and it got annulled a year later. Now the bro-in-law (who, coincidentally, has an album coming out) says that she had his child, named Renee, who is currently living with Janet's older sister, Reba.

I so believe this, because that Jackson family is crazy. Janet was all popular then - it's Janet, Miss Jackson if your nasty - and it wouldn't have helped her career if she was a single mother. So they quickly got married, all hush like, and she has the kid - they pawn her off to her older sister and get the marriage annulled.

Now the real question is does this child think Reba is her mother and Janet is her cool young aunt? I will post details as I find them.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Jen and Vince Swingin?

People has pictures.

So I'm going to be a little cynical now - this sort of smells like a set-up pic to me. I'm sure they are dating - there are pictures of them walking around Chicago, too - but this pic - catching her profile and all that - shrouded in bushes. Screams set up.

But good for her - going out and getting some. And Vince Vaughn is awesome. So take THAT, Brad!

Speaking of Brad - Angelina's co-star in Beowulf, Ray Winstone, is going around saying they are getting married. That's a good way for Ray to get his name in some papers.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Foxy Brown is Deaf?

Now, I'm not a big follower of urban music. But I am familiar with the name Foxy Brown. I mean, I can't name any of her songs or anything - but I've heard the name.

So I'm reading my People again - I do a brief runthrough, reading only those articles that are of utmost importance to me, and then later, I leisurely read through the rest of the articles - and I come across this one entitled "I've Been Deaf for Four Months." I thought it was going to be one of those special interest articles about someone in Topeka or something. But nope - it's rapper Foxy Brown.

She went to bed one night with the television blaring and woke up and couldn't hear a thing. She turned the volume up to 60. Nothing. Went outside and honked her car horn. Nothing. She picked up her phone and dialed. Nothing.

Dude, wouldn't this totally freak you out? She was diagnosed with something called severe sudden sensorineural hearing loss, which is now at the top of my Fear List, along with biological warfare and deep vein thrombosis.

It's the result of a viral infection - and she had warning signs. She was having difficulty hearing - it would be okay one day, bad the next. But she didn't go check it out. I probably wouldn't have either if I was 26. You just don't think about suddenly going deaf. So if she did get it checked out sooner, they may have been able to save her hearing.

Instead, she had surgery and can now hear at about the 20% level. Man, that would just suck - 26, career in music, and you wake up deaf. Totally bizarre. And even more bizarre is this hasn't really been talked about on the usual gossip sites. Like I said, I don't know her music - just know her by name, but I feel bad for her. Hopefully more of her hearing will be restored and she can continue her career.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

K-Fed's ADORABLE Pet Names for Newborn

Celebrity Living has uncovered even more lovable pet names for Kevin Federline's precious little boy, Sean Preston. And because the folks at CL are so helpful, they provided translations for those of us who may not be up on our cutesy-wutesy lingo:

"Gangsta" & "Shotty" - short for gangster and shotgun.
"310" - the L.A. area code
"Dillon" & "Toaster" - terms for a pistol
"Homey" - short for homeboy

That is just too precious! It brings a little tear to one's eye, doesn't it? Well, I'm just so moved I may just pick up the phone and call Child Protective Services.

Also, turns out K-Fed's quite the little spender. And it may make Breadwinner Britney go back to work. Life & Style reports that the couple are bouncing checks! Something that I'm sure K-Fed is familiar with but I'm pretty sure Brit's never experienced it before.

So what's he spending his money on, other than ill-fitting clothing, cigarettes and do-rags? Turns out he's building a multimillion-dollar dance school with Mr. Stability himself, Joe Jackson - father of Michael. Yeah. THAT should be a success.

Cruising for a Bitch of a Labor

Now that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are expecting, all the magazines this week mention this freakishly unnatural phenomenon in Scientology known as the "Silent Birth."

According to guidelines written by the almighty L. Ron Hubbard, whom I'm pretty sure never gave birth, the "silent birth" approach requires no noise at the delivery. No "you're doing great, now once more - PUSH." No "can you pass me the ice chips, sweetie." No, "IF SOMEBODY DOESN'T GET THIS THING OUT OF ME, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD, SOMEONE WILL DIE!!!!!"

No grunting, no swearing, no screaming. Uh, no fucking way.

See, the wise L.Ron thought that words spoken (and, I assume, screams screamed and moans moaned) during the birthing process could be recorded in the child's subconscious mind, which can then "cause unwanted emotions and irrational fears later in life," according to Greg LaClaire, some suit at the 'church' who spoke to People.

Here's something weird though - this Greg guy said that the mothers can take painkilling drugs if they want. Uh, I thought they were all about no medications. I guess morphine doesn't count. Maybe Scientology isn't all bad. Of course, Prozac for postpartum depression is a big couch-jumpin No-No. But the epidural is all good.

So the pictures of Katie show her being WAAAAY pregnant. Her belly button is popping out. I just went back through my pictures when I was knocked up and mine didn't pop out until the eighth month. So, this leads to the question:

Who IS the father?

Well, that's really been the question all along, hasn't it? In Touch has the balls to acknowledge that no one thinks it's Tom's kid in it's cover headline: "Katie's Pregnant! Stars joke: is Tom the father?" Okay, so it's not really ballsy to pass the buck onto unnamed "stars" and call it "joking" in order to avoid the inevitable Tom Cruise lawsuit. But it's really a start.

And who are these "stars"? Well, let's just say the quotation marks are extremely appropriate. Uh, Simon Rex, the former porn star/MTV VeeJay (who also had a bit part on Felicity, not that I watched it or anything). Adam Carolla, the former host of the Man Show and current host of the painfully unfunny "Too Late with Adam Carolla". And Tony Danza. Tony Danza. Enough said.

I cannot wait for this relationship to jump the rails, cuz there is a really good story here.

The Most Confusing Couple of the Week Award Goes To......

Hank Azaria and Suzie McNeil.

Hank Azaria: Current star of excellent Showtime series "Huff". Brilliant barefooted manservant Agador Spartacus in "The Birdcage". The voice of a multitude of Simpsons characters, including Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Moe Szyslak, and Chief Wiggum. David the Scientist guy who left Phoebe to go to Minsk on "Friends". Married for five minutes to Helen "I'm Boring" Hunt. (Hey - he's human, okay? We can't ALL be perfect!)

Suzie McNeil: Contestant on "Rock Star: INXS". Didn't even win. AND - she's Canadian. She has a website, so for the 8 billion of you who didn't watch "Rock Star: INXS" you can check out who she is.

When subpar reality stars who didn't even WIN start dating REAL stars, that's when we know we've all gone to a very very bad place in media.

And YES, since you asked, I DID watch Rock Star: INXS. But I didn't like it.

Okay, so maybe I did. A little. Whatever - this couple sucks.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Simply Cancelled

Thank GOD. Fox has cancelled "The Simple Life" - the reality show starring Paris "Stupid Spoiled Whore" Hilton and Nicole "Former Heroin Junkie Turned Anorexic Fashionista" Richie. I watched this show once, in the first season, back before these two were all over the magazines. I couldn't believe it wasn't cancelled back then. I'm sure these two will find a way to display their talentlessness elsewhere.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Did you hear what Nick said to Jessica last week?

Let's make like a banana and SPLIT!

As I discussed in a breaking news item, Us Magazine reported on their cover that our generation's Sonny and Cher, Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, have parted ways. You don't have to buy every celebrity magazine to have seen this coming - you just have to go to the grocery store and read the weekly headlines. Jessica's flirting with co-stars. Nick is eating dinner with European female singing sensations. Jessica's not wearing her ring - AGAIN. Nick gets too close to a stripper at a bachelor party. This relationship has been in the dumper for a good long time.

Yet they still deny the breakup. But this time, I think it's the real deal.

Why would you say such an awful, awful thing, Raghag? Glad you asked. It wasn't anything written in the Us story - it was a photograph of Nick taken on September 28 holding a Starbucks in one hand, his keys in the other. But, alas - no ring.

So we know ditzy Jessica has 'forgotten' her ring by her bedside on several occassions. But this is the first time Nick has been photographed without his. I think it means something.

Also, he skipped his sister-in-law hair-extension freak Ashlee's 21st birthday. And, the couple were close friends with Jamie-Lynn (aka Meadow Soprano) and AJ DiScala who recently broke up. Now Nick and AJ have been partying, and Jessica has stopped answering when asked about Nick.

Star printed an interview with a 19-year old college student claiming she made out with Nick at an Embassy Suites. Can you believe how dirty, how disgusting - I mean, an Embassy Suites, for the love of god. She took a lie detector test and passed. Seriously, this was just kissing. He told her they could go as far as she wanted, and she only went as far as the tongue becuase he was married and that would be wrong. So, according to this Ohio State genius, frenchin ain't cheatin. Don't go telling my husband those rules - cuz I've convinced him that just thinking about it crosses a line, okay? And I want to keep it that way, thank you.

These two are over. And now, an online website has stopped bets on their marriage, due to suspicious wagers.

Those online betting things always get things right. Bet on this rumor being true.

What the Kal-el?

So Nicolas Cage and his 21 year old sushi waitress bride Alice had a baby. They named him Kal-el Coppola Cage. I get the Coppola part - Nic's real last name is Coppola and is uncle is Francis Ford (who was given the middle name Ford after being born at Henry Ford Hospital in good ole Detroit, I just learned while watching James Lipton, who is ALSO from Detroit, if you can believe that one). But Kal-el? Is it Hawaiian? Israeli?

Uh, try Kryptonian.

Yeah. Kal-el is Superman's birthname.

Nic is a great actor. Loved Adaptation. Loved Raising Arizona. LOVED loved Moonstruck. But he's, let's face it, a freak.

Let's just hope Kal-el's schoolmates aren't into comics.

It's All Greek to Paris

Let me begin this my stating my Anti-Paris bias up-front. I cannot stand that she is a "celebrity." I don't want to go into it any further, except to say that I wholeheartedly enjoyed the South Park episode entitled Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset.

Okay - so she was 'engaged' to Paris Latsis, who's the Greek shipping heir to billions and billions of euros and who is a 'film producer' i.e. student at UCLA and looks a little smelly. So she dumped him, even though he 'bought' her a 24-carat engagement ring -- well, let me stop there, because it's a little unclear over who dumped whom. She's all saying "I love him but I am so young and I don't want to end up young and divorced and I'm just not ready." But the gossip rags are all pretty much saying that he dumped her because his parents were all like, 'Uh, if you marry that stupid spoiled whore you don't get no cash." So weigh the two scenarios and YOU decide what makes the most sense.

So the same day she releases this statement about loving Paris and he's my best friend yadda yadda, she's seen making out with ANOTHER Greek shipping heir to billions and billions of euros who's ALSO in film school, this time at USC and ALSO looks a little smelly. His name is Stavros Niarchos III. AND, he was recently dating the anorexic Olsen twin. That would be Mary-Kate. We'll see how long it takes HIS parents to pull the plug on this one. I predict 9 days.

Now, the big question: will the stupid spoiled whore keep the ring? First of all, he "gave" her two rings - a 25-carat white diamond engagement ring, and a 21-carat canary diamond "I love you" ring (vomit). So this is what People says: "According to a source close to Hilton, "She tried to give them back, but he loves her and wants her to keep them."

Right. I have two theories about these rings - the first being that this kid Paris Latsis didn't buy shit - according to all sources he has no money of his own. So there's no way he bought a ring from a gumball machine for her, let alone two multi-million dollar ones. Second, if he DID buy these for her, then he used his parents' money. And if he DID tell her to keep them because he loves her so, well, his parents will soon read about it in People and will say, "Uh, if you don't get those rings back from that stupid spoiled whore you don't get no cash." Either way, you won't see Paris H. wearing them again.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Have I started a trend....?

Or is it just a coincidence that mainstream media outlets are printing stories analyzing the celebrity magazine phenomenon?

This one, from the AP, seems to ask the same question I did last week about this secrecy thing celebrities have going on. Basically, it says that when celebrities deny, we can pretty much assume the opposite. So I'm betting that Jessica isn't just 'leaving her ring on her bedside table' because she is forgetful. Hey, I forget to put my rings on sometimes in the morning - but no one's photographing me as I leave the house, park my car, buy my coffee, pick up my drycleaning - you get the jist.

The Washington Post printed this story, "Print Media's Hot New Star: Celebrity Mags" about how celebrity rags sales are soaring while other areas in print media are suffering.

I'm telling you - they must be reading RagHag. ;-)

If the New York Times is looking for a Rag Reviewer, I'm available.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Angie's Preggies?

That's what In Touch says, showing a picture similar to this one which indeed looked like some bumpage is going on. But come on, the girl's a rail - maybe she just had to poop! Maybe she ate a big meal. Who knows? But I'm glad I'm not famous so I don't go to my local grocery store and see the headline "RAGHAG DIVA LOOKS PREGNANT!"


Oh, and my prediction was right. Every single rag had multiple pictures of Brad and Angie leaving the grocery store. They even bought a pumpkin pie!

Dum - DUM - DEM - MEEEEE!

So according to all the rags, this wedding was the read deal, and not a prank for the groom's television show Punk'd. Most of the magazines agree on the details - it was a Kabbalah ceremony, the groom in white as well as the bride, who chose an off-the-rack Monique Lhuillier gown; the platinum and diamond wedding bands were designed by fellow Kabbalahist Neil Lane; the ceremony was held at their recently remodeled home at 10:00 p.m.; due to the late hour, hors d'oeuvres were served in lieu of a full meal; Bruce Willis attended; Ashton's twin brother Matt did not.

But one pub had an interesting tidbit that the others omitted. In Touch offers the most ridiculous-yet-probably-true reason why the wedding was such a last minute affair. "According to an insider, the couple had planned to marry earlier in the year, but the date had been postponed three ties over the past few months because their Kabbalah advisors warned them the dates were inauspicious." Dude, I totally believe this. This Kabbalah thing is getting out of hand. And as one loyal reader pointed out, Bruce is already skeptical of it and won't let his three kids get involved. Someone wrote somewhere that when she was married to him, she wanted to get all into Scientology. Anyway, I can see these two waiting around for some "Rabbi" to tell them when they can get married.

So, I found this story to be pretty dry. I just wonder when they will confirm that they are in fact married. I predict whenever the Rabbi sees as best.

BREAKING NEWS: Ewww - a Britney sex tape

uh, and she's pregnant in it.

if this is true, and I'm sure it is because we all knew Britney and K-Fed are stupid enough to tape themselves, then you know I'll have to watch it - and then I will be blinded by what I see and will not be able to post anything anymore.

I'll start looking into the voice-activated software now..

UPDATE: Nick and Jessica MAY HAVE split.

So Us Weekly says they have.

But Nick and Jessica say they haven't.

Did Us find out about the major scoop from Tom and Katie regarding their spawn and decided they needed something equally juicy for their cover?

There's a story here. But really, these two should just break up and get it over with. YAWN! This have they/haven't they dance is getting old.

FORGET LAST WEEK'S NEWS - KATIE HOLMES IS PREGNANT

It's in People, folks, so it's true. It comes straight from their spokesperson, who is also Tom's sister.

Dude - SCANDAL.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

RagHag on the Mend...

...but still out of commission tonight.

But think about this until I return. One of the first cases John Roberts will hear as the new Supreme Court Justice is Marshall v. Marshall, or otherwise known as Old Rich Daddy's Boy v. Anna Nicole Smith.

Ah - Renquist must be resting peacefully.

Monday, October 03, 2005

RagHag Diva has the Flu

I know you must be wondering what is in this week's mags (clue: DemMEEE'S wedDIIIIING). Well, I have been stricken by the flu. I will update as soon as the room stops spinning.

More later. Thanks for reading!