RagHag Diva

Dissecting all the weekly trash celebrity magazines so YOU don't have to!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Cruising for a Bitch of a Labor

Now that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are expecting, all the magazines this week mention this freakishly unnatural phenomenon in Scientology known as the "Silent Birth."

According to guidelines written by the almighty L. Ron Hubbard, whom I'm pretty sure never gave birth, the "silent birth" approach requires no noise at the delivery. No "you're doing great, now once more - PUSH." No "can you pass me the ice chips, sweetie." No, "IF SOMEBODY DOESN'T GET THIS THING OUT OF ME, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD, SOMEONE WILL DIE!!!!!"

No grunting, no swearing, no screaming. Uh, no fucking way.

See, the wise L.Ron thought that words spoken (and, I assume, screams screamed and moans moaned) during the birthing process could be recorded in the child's subconscious mind, which can then "cause unwanted emotions and irrational fears later in life," according to Greg LaClaire, some suit at the 'church' who spoke to People.

Here's something weird though - this Greg guy said that the mothers can take painkilling drugs if they want. Uh, I thought they were all about no medications. I guess morphine doesn't count. Maybe Scientology isn't all bad. Of course, Prozac for postpartum depression is a big couch-jumpin No-No. But the epidural is all good.

So the pictures of Katie show her being WAAAAY pregnant. Her belly button is popping out. I just went back through my pictures when I was knocked up and mine didn't pop out until the eighth month. So, this leads to the question:

Who IS the father?

Well, that's really been the question all along, hasn't it? In Touch has the balls to acknowledge that no one thinks it's Tom's kid in it's cover headline: "Katie's Pregnant! Stars joke: is Tom the father?" Okay, so it's not really ballsy to pass the buck onto unnamed "stars" and call it "joking" in order to avoid the inevitable Tom Cruise lawsuit. But it's really a start.

And who are these "stars"? Well, let's just say the quotation marks are extremely appropriate. Uh, Simon Rex, the former porn star/MTV VeeJay (who also had a bit part on Felicity, not that I watched it or anything). Adam Carolla, the former host of the Man Show and current host of the painfully unfunny "Too Late with Adam Carolla". And Tony Danza. Tony Danza. Enough said.

I cannot wait for this relationship to jump the rails, cuz there is a really good story here.


Anonymous mot said...

Maybe L. Ron Hubbard impregnated Katie spiritually.... Hubbs is amazing.

6:48 AM  
Blogger BD said...

My wife hopes she gets depressed just so Cruiser can F off.

12:30 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home