RagHag Diva

Dissecting all the weekly trash celebrity magazines so YOU don't have to!

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Awards, Awards! Oh How I Love Awards!

Oh man - I'm overdosing on award news. Seriously, I'll need to go to a methadone clinic for celebrity news after today.

The big news of today was the announcement of the Oscar nominations. This comes right on the heels of last night's SAG awards. First I will tell you who won the SAGs, and then I'll tell you the names of the lucky nominees.

Screen Actor Guild Winners

Motion Pictures

  • Male Actor in a Leading Role: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
This was expected, as he won the Golden Globe and seems to have the Oscar all but locked up. But I am disappointed that Heath Ledger hasn't been recognized for an amazing performance in Brokeback Mountain. I haven't seen Capote but I do love PSH and have admired him for many years. I also loved In Cold Blood. If there is any chance my old college roommate Jennie Choi is reading this: "First he moves his left foot, then he moves his right foot."
  • Female Actor in a Leading Role: Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line
This was a bit of a surprise, because Felicity Huffman was up for the same award for her role as a transsexual in Transamerica. I'm not a big fan of Reese's for two reasons: one, MonicaHarmonica knows someone who met her who said she was bitchy; and two, she's got a really pointy chin. But I loved Legally Blonde. Also, she's never been up for an Oscar. But Felicity hasn't either. AND Felicity is married to the always awesome William H. Macy.
  • Male Actor in a Supporting Role: Paul Giamatti, Cinderella Man
I've loved him since he was Kenny aka PigVomit in the GREAT movie Private Parts. Yes, the Howard Stern movie. And Yes, it is fantastic. Don't be a classist. See it before you condemn it.
  • Female Actor in a Supporting Role: Rachel Weisz, The Constant Gardener
Yawn. She also won the Golden Globes for this. She'll also win the Oscar and still no one will know who she is.
  • Cast: Crash
I was very surprised and happy about this win. What a disturbing and important movie. I did see this and it was right before we thought we were going to have to move to LA for Mr. Diva's teaching job. Thank god the San Diego thing came through because this movie freaked me out. We watched it with our best friends the Breedorfs and Mr. Breedorf was flying to LA the next day for work. We were all scared he was going to be carjacked. Anyway, it was a great film. I can't say I exactly enjoyed watching it. But I am glad I did, and I'm glad the cast won this award.

TV

  • Male Actor in a Drama Series: Kiefer Sutherland, 24
Dude, hasn't Jack Bauer been at the brink of world annihilation one too many times for him to be garnering awards for his efforts? Obviously not.
  • Female Actor in a Drama Series: Sandra Oh, Grey's Anatomy
Oh! Sandra Oh! I have a soft spot for Sandra. She Canadian, and I love all things Canadian (despite my occasional jokes about them). I grew up in Michigan, and watched CBC all the time. I think it was on this network that I first saw Sandra Oh, in a movie called Double Happiness. She plays an aspiring actress living in Canada and living with her 1st generation parents. It's a sweet and funny look at the culture clashes between her old world Chinese parents and the expectations of the Western world. Rent it today.
  • Male Actor in a Comedy Series: Sean Hayes, Will & Grace
Just Jack! I love him, though I haven't watched Will & Grace for a couple of years. He made a funny speech about how hard it is to find gay roles these days.
  • Female Actor in a Comedy Series: Felicity Huffman, Desperate Housewives
There's her win! That may explain why Reese got the movie nod.
  • Ensemble in a Drama Series: Lost
As you all know, I love this show and of course I am so excited it won. This means there will be more secrets revealed for seasons to come.
  • Ensemble in a Comedy Series: Desperate Housewives
Yawn. I fell into the DH trap last year during its first season, and it was clever and entertaining. This year, though, it seems forced. Sort of stale. I'm not watching. I don't care how many catfights there are, on or off-set.
  • Male Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries: Paul Newman, Empire Falls
Yawn squared. I talked about this miniseries in my Golden Globes posting.
  • Female Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries: S. Epatha Merkerson, Lackawanna Blues
Epatha wins again!!! She won the Golden Globe and the Emmy, and I am so excited she is getting recognition that has been well deserved and earned. I love her on Law & Order. She a fantastic actor.

Life Achievement Award

  • Shirley Temple Black
On the Goooooood Ship Lollipop! Okay I know she's done a bunch more, like she was an ambassador or whatever. But she will always be that little girl singing with a giant lolly. I say, if you've had a drink named for you, even if it's non-alcoholic, then you deserve a Life Achievement Award.

Okay - I'm just going to list the Oscar Nominees for you and tomorrow I'll editorialize. Cuz I'm running out of time and I have to start my night shift. I know - y'all can't believe I don't get PAID for this. Nope - labor of love, my friends. And sorry, make-up artists and

Best Picture:

  • Brokeback Mountain
  • Capote
  • Crash
  • Good Night, and Good Luck.
  • Munich

Best Director:

  • Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain
  • Bennett Miller, Capote
  • Paul Haggis, Crash
  • George Clooney, Good Night, and Good Luck.
  • Steven Spielberg, Munich

Best Actor:

  • Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
  • Terrence Howard, Hustle & Flow
  • Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain
  • Joaquin Phoenix, Walk the Line
  • David Strathairn, Good Night, and Good Luck.

Best Actress:

  • Judi Dench, Mrs. Henderson Presents
  • Felicity Huffman, Transamerica
  • Keira Knightley, Pride & Prejudice
  • Charlize Theron, North Country
  • Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line

Best Supporting Actor:

  • George Clooney, Syriana
  • Matt Dillon, Crash
  • Paul Giamatti, Cinderella Man
  • Jake Gyllenhaal, Brokeback Mountain
  • William Hurt, A History of Violence

Best Supporting Actress:

  • Amy Adams, Junebug
  • Catherine Keener, Capote
  • Frances McDormand, North Country
  • Rachel Weisz, The Constant Gardener
  • Michelle Williams, Brokeback Mountain

Original Screenplay:

  • Crash, written by Paul Haggis & Bobby Moresco; story by Paul Haggis
  • Good Night, and Good Luck., written by George Clooney & Grant Heslov
  • Match Point, written Woody Allen
  • The Squid and the Whale, written by Noah Baumbach
  • Syriana, written by Stephen Gaghan

Adapted Screenplay:

  • Brokeback Mountain, screenplay by Larry McMurtry & Diana Ossana
  • Capote, screenplay by Dan Futterman
  • The Constant Gardener, screenplay by Jeffrey Caine
  • A History of Violence, Josh Olson
  • Munich, screenplay by Tony Kushner & Eric Roth

Best Animated Feature:

  • Howl's Moving Castle
  • Tim Burton's Corpse Bride
  • Wallace & Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit

Best Foreign-Language Film:

  • Don't Tell, Italy
  • Joyeux Noel, France
  • Paradise Now, Palestine
  • Sophie Scholl--The Final Days, Germany
  • Tsotsi, South Africa
Documentary Feature:

  • Darwin's Nightmare
  • Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room
  • March of the Penguins
  • Murderball
  • Street Fight

Documentary Short:

  • The Death of Kevin Carter: Casualty of the Bang Bang Club
  • God Sleeps in Rwanda
  • The Mushroom Club
  • A Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin
Original Score:

  • Brokeback Mountain, Gustavo Santaolalla
  • The Constant Gardener, Alberto Iglesias
  • Memoirs of a Geisha, John Williams
  • Munich, John Williams
  • Pride & Prejudice, Dario Marianelli

Original Song:

  • "In the Deep" (Crash), music by Kathleen "Bird" York & Michael Becker; lyrics by Kathleen "Bird" York
  • "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" (Hustle & Flow), music and lyrics by Jordan Houston, Cedric Coleman & Paul Beauregard
  • "Travelin' Thru" (Transamerica), music and lyrics by Dolly Parton

Monday, January 30, 2006

RagHag Roundup

People put Jennifer Aniston on its cover. Guess it's her week to look sympathetic. Not a whole lot to the article - she and Vince Vaughn are getting serious. The attention she's getting at Sundance has been tiring. There was one piece of news that I found interesting. According to the article, Brad Pitt let Jen know about Angelia's pregnancy - but he didn't tell her himself. Seems that he told someone to break the news to her gently. So remember that press release that Jen never talked to Brad or Angelina about the pregnancy? Technically, that was true. But again, her publicist made it seem that the pregnancy was a total shock to her, thereby causing all of us to chant a collective "Awwwwww. Poor Jen."

Oh, and you know how Jen hadn't talked to her mom for like 10 years, because her mom published a book about her without her permission, but now they are talking? My theory is she contacted her as a big "up yours" to Brad, because he always wanted them to reconcile. Well, in the article, she said she "saw a set of numbers flash through her head - and recognized them as a phone number she had not dialed in nearly a decade: her mother's" Ooooooooooooo. Spooooooooooky. She's like Miss Cleo. Give me a break.

Us featured Angelina on the cover, looking not that great, I may add. Her face is funky - angular and sunken in and not pretty. Which is weird because she's probably one of the most beautiful people in the world. Regardless of her husband-stealing activities. Anyway, they report she's due May 2nd. Which of course puts my calculations spot on. Star is "reporting" a due date of June 6, saying that her mom suggested that she give birth then, because then both Angelina and the baby would be Geminis. Sure - she made sure she conceived so she would give birth when her mom wanted her to. Sometimes, even I can't believe I read this crap.

Star also says she and Brad want 13 kids, but this will be the only biological one, cuz she hates being pregnant. They also say she will never marry Brad.

Okay, enough about them. Other tidbits:

Star has some pics of Courtney Cox Arquette looking bloated. So of course, she's pregnant. Let's keep an eye on this to see if they are right.

In Touch says Nicole Richie is wearing children's clothes. I believe it.

Celebrity Living says Nick still loves Jessica, while Star says he wants her to stop calling him.

And Life & Style says Tom and Katie are embarrassing his kids. No duh.

Again, not much there this week - but there it is: your weekly raghag roundup!

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Title: A Million Little Daggers

Subtitle: Shooting out of Oprah's Eyes Straight into your Lying Soul

I'm a big fan of the Oprah Book Club. I know many of my fellow peers and professors at the University of Michigan English and Creative Writing department would scoff at this admission. But if any of them are reading this blog, they would know that I've already admitted that I love Kelly Clarkson. And I know the truth about them - their disdain for this bourgeois reading program is truly thinly veiled jealousy that their book was not chosen. Because making Oprah's Book Club is basically, in the literary world, hitting the goddamn lottery.

So I read lots of Book Club selections, including James Frey's A Million Little Pieces. I had the same reactions most people had - flipping the book over countless times to look at the photo of the author to make sure this guy was still alive, reading passages aloud to Mr. Diva that were completely incredulous. When Mr. Diva doubted some of the sections I read him, saying "How in the hell did he get let on a plane with blood covering him, missing teeth, and practically passed out?" or "Who in the hell gets two root canals with no novocaine and lives to tell about it," my response was always the same: "I know! But dude, I saw him on Oprah."

Oprah's a powerful, powerful woman. Take this book: before she named it as a Book Club pick, he sold at most a few thousand copies. Oprah puts her sticker of approval on it - and it becomes the 2nd best selling book of the year (the best seller? Harry Potter. Duh. And yes, I read that too).

So when The Smoking Gun revealed he made up a bunch of shit, it was automatically a scandal, with Ms. Winfrey right in the middle of it. In fact, the report is called The Man Who Conned Oprah.

I read the report and I realized that it wasn't Oprah who was conned - it was me - and all the other chumps who shelled out cash to read the delusions of grandeur from a former fraternity boy.

Oprah at first defended Jimmy, calling into Larry King Live to do so publicly. But it was too late for me - it was crap. Frey said on the show that he only "embellished" small parts of the book - 10 pages in all - to make it more dramatic. Embellishments such as spending not 30 days in the clink, but 2 hours. And being arrested not for hitting a cop with his car, but for parking in a no-parking zone and having an open container in his car.

But what Oprah didn't understand when she was defending him was that these weren't fuzzy memories on his part. These were deliberate lies to make him look like a badass. It's funny, tho - most people lie to make themselves look better. But this loser lied to make himself look worse - thereby making his story more cinematic, more colorful, more lively.

But once these were determined to be outright mistruths, then nothing of his story could be believed. I doubted he was ever a drug addict - that he was a fledging writer looking for a story and so faked it in order to get inside access to a rehab center. I doubted he ever even tried crack or heroin, let alone became addicted. I'm guessing he probably smoked pot and may have taken some mushrooms a few times in college. I don't believe a word the fucker says.

Why am I talking about this? Because Oprah changed her mind. She realized that by going on Larry King that night, she was basically saying, "It's okay to publish lies, as long as people get something out of it." Well, she reconsidered.

I watched the show today, and she really gave it to him. You can see some clips on her website. I can't belive he even went on the show. But the one thing he didn't do is say "I lied, and I'm sorry I misled you." It could have been that simple. Take a lesson from Hugh Grant. Instead, he had the audacity that his "embellishments" were a defense mechanism. Defense from what, I have no idea. Anyway, Oprah really ripped him a new one and he sat there and took it. It was great TV.

If you haven't read the book, don't. Read Dry by Augusten Burroughs. Of course, that could be all bullshit too. But at least it was well-written.

Oh man, I'm sounding like my UofM counterparts. Time to wrap this up before I start spewing Foucault out my ass.

(And in the spirit of honesty, yes. I, too, am jealous as hell I don't have a book on Oprah's Book Club. Hell, I'm jealous I don't have a book. )

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Whoa - is that weird or what?

The day I post my story about Sean Penn, his brother dies.

I was just talking to Mrs. Breedorf about him and the fact that I always had a soft spot for him since I saw Footloose. I have a tendancy to fall for the funny sidekick in the movie instead of the obvious hearthrob we're supposed to love. Like in Top Gun, I was totally into Goose - Maverick was just too obvious. Too brash. I followed Anthony Edwards' career after that religiously - I watched Gotcha like 600 times.

So I had a similar reaction to Chris Penn's character Willard. He was dating the character played by Sarah Jessica Parker. And he didn't know how to dance. So the best scene in the movie consists of Kevin Bacon trying to teach him how to dance, which of course was illegal.

Chris has gained some weight since then, and I am going to guess he went out with a heart attack. He also was fond of the hooch. It's sad, though. He was 40. Now that I'm almost mid-thirties that's just not old anymore.

I just hope my postings aren't so powerful that they end up killing other celebrity siblings.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

No Roundup Again?

To be honest, the rags bored me this week - by the time I get around summarizing for you guys, it will be old news.

But there was an interesting story today. Some college kid says Joe Pesci punched him! This reminds me of when we were living in Marin County and Mot came to visit. We lived down the street from Sean Penn, and Mot's sole purpose on that trip was to have some sort of violent encounter with Sean Penn. Mot didn't want to hit Sean Penn or assault Sean Penn in any way - but he wanted to say something antagonizing to Sean Penn so Sean Penn would hit or assault him. He said that even if he didn't end up suing Sean Penn, what a great story it would be!

So we drove by Sean Penn's house. Nothing. We knew Sean Penn drove a black BMW so everytime we drove by one, we carefully scrutinized the driver. Mot's visit primarily consisted of us looking for Sean Penn.

Then, on the last day of his visit, during our daily Sean Penn hunt, we saw Sean Penn. Sean Penn was driving Sean Penn's car. In the opposite direction. So Mr. Diva flipped that bitch and we went after Sean Penn. Alas, we ended up losing Sean Penn in the heavy, 15mph Town of Ross traffic.

Sorry, Mot. I wish I could have helped you out there. I'm not sure if any celebrities live by me here in San Diego. I mean, it's not like we live in Malibu. But if I find one, and they have an anger management issue, we'll definitely stalk him during your next visit.

Monday, January 23, 2006

RagHag Roundup is pending...

I read all the rags and they are sort of boring - but I promise to fill you in - but probably later tonight or tomorrow morning.

In the meantime, look who's looking for an additional 15 minutes.

Oh, and West Wing is being cancelled.

And I am totally going to see this. In my pre-1600 literature class, there was this guy named Ben Bass. He was in my discussion section. Our TA was totally boring - I think it was her first time teaching, and she wasn't very good. So anyway, this guy seemed nice enough, funny. And I pretty much knew he had a crush on me, but I wasn't very interested. Until one day, during discussion, I saw that Ben had the NYTimes crossword ripped out of our school paper. And I watched him complete it in 7 minutes, in pen, just by filling in the across clues only. Soon after he asked me to a music performance, and I immediately said yes.

It never worked out between me and Ben. Turns out you need more than an admiration for a person's crossword abilities to make a relationship. But it's definitely a sexy attribute. For an English geek such as myself, that is.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Kelly Relents after Simon Bitches

When I was in high school, I was one of those fringe alternative kids. No, I didn't put Knox Gelatin in my hair or pierce my nose, but my friends did, and no I didn't do drugs with them, but I did drive them around town when they were high.

I listened to 89X - the alternative radio station. I didn't listen to the really hard shit - like the Cramps or Black Flag - that was a little too alternative for me. I was more of the Depeche Mode/New Order/Erasure sort of gal. My main band of choice was The Smiths. Whenever one of us had a bad day, my friend Michelle and I would lock ourselves in one of our rooms and listen to Morrissey wail and moan until the sun went down. By the time we were done, we were so mellowedly depressed we would forget why we had a bad day in the first place.

I write all this to preface my upcoming confession. I was always a pop-snob. I couldn't even tell you who were the pop singers of my high school days. I'm thinking Debbie Gibson and Tiffany, but that could have been junior high. I would never listen to Top-40 for fear of being caught by my "squid" friends (yes, they were called "squids" at my school in the suburbs of Detroit, and not "punks" like they are everyone else in the country). So what I am about to say is extremely brave, considering my background:

I like Kelly Clarkson.

Scratch that. I LOVE Kelly Clarkson.

I listen to her song "Since You've Been Gone" almost every day, and it always puts me in a great mood. I dare you right now to listen to that song and not move your head to the beat. I dare you to listen to that song and not hum it later in the day. Go on: TRY IT!

So what's this have to do with celebrity gossip? Well, Kelly decided that she didn't want any future American Idols hacking apart her songs on the show that made her a megapopsuperstar. So she told Simon and pals to stick it when they asked for her permission to use her songs on the show. So Simon got all sanctimonious (and, well, honest) and said she'd still be a waitress if it weren't for the show and the least she can do is give permission for other hopefuls to botch them up in front of the entire country. So, she relented.

Wow. I just bared my soul to you guys. I feel like..... I feel like....

I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME
I'M SO MOVING ON, YEAH YEAH
THANKS TO YOU, NOW I GET, I GET WHAT I WANT!

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Hilary Shows Class

I watched the pre-show to the Golden Globes on E! and Isaac Mizrahi was interviewing some of the stars who attended the gala. One was Hilary Swank - and he asked her if she approached events like the Globes differently now that she is single. "Oh, I'm not single. I'm working very hard to save my marriage."

She was still wearing her ring, and she said the same thing to Access Hollywood.

I'm not sure how these celebrities do it. She had to go to the ceremony - she won last year for Million Dollar Baby and was expected to present the Best Actor award this year. She could have bailed, claiming illness or prior engagements. But she went, she looked fabulous, and she answered prying questions about the state of her marriage with grace and dignity. I really hope they both find whatever they need to find in order to achieve happiness, together or apart.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Golden Globes Gabfest

I started late - so right now it's 8:17 - I missed the first couple of awards. Including George Clooney winning Best Supporting Actor for Syriana. He's the closest to Cary Grant our generation is gonna get. Man, he's handsome. So let's just get to it.

Jessica Alba and Luke Wilson (presenters): Luke Wilson is Mot's lost identical twin brother, but Mot, Luke has put on a bit of weight, and it doesn't look good. His face looks a bit bloated. So put that doughnut down, Mot - become known as the guy who looks like Luke Wilson when Luke is skinny. They are giving the best supporting actor in a TV drama, miniseries, blah blah. And the award goes to Paul Newman, Empire Falls. Of course, Paul has better things to do than attend the Golden Globes. Sorry, Mom (she LOVES him).

Teri Hatcher and some guy who will be Superman. Teri's not looking that great tonight. Kay now it's best supporting actress in a TV drama, miniseries, blah blah. And the winner is Sandra Oh. Now she's freaking out cuz she doesn't know how to get to the stage. Reese Witherspoon helped her out. She's freaking out. She looks pretty - but the white dress sort of washes her out.

Drew Barrymore. Oh why did you wear that green dress. It sort of makes you look like an awkward junior high girl from 1986. You know - the one that everyone made fun of. And no bra. Honey - you're nippin, and everyone can see it. I mean it - you can actually see the outline of the nipple through that material. Awful. You top my worst dressed so far.

Emma Rossum - Beautiful girl. Was in Phantom of the Opera. Got the crappy job of saluting the Hollywood Foreign Press and introducing the President. Cut to Gwyneth Paltrow clapping lazily and looking serene and motherly. She's pregnant again, you know. Now this guy is talking. Blah blah, blah blah BLAH.

OK now Jesse Martin from Law and Order is presenting with Nicolette Sheridan. He's looking fine. And she looks fantastic. That blue in her dress matches her eyes. Gorgeous. She's in my best dressed for sure. And I don't really even like her that much. Best actress in a drama, blah blah - goes to.....

Geena Davis - Who is your stylist? Because when I am nominated for my Oscar, I want to be sure NOT to use her. That dress is hideous. It shows your backfat, for the love of god. Do you not have 3-way mirrors to consult? And this color -the red strapless mermaid look - not a good one for you. Yes, your lipstick matches the dress, but your hair clashes terribly. And those ruffles. Bob Mackie would love your dress. The rest of us, however, do not.

Evangeline Lilly - She's announcing winner for best actor. Nice dress - you're a beautiful girl, but Mr. Diva thinks your pregnant. Are you pregnant with the Lord of the Rings guy's baby?

Hugh Laurie won best actor in a TV series - for House. Is that even a show? Has it been cancelled? But I like your accent. I like your gimmick of pulling 3 names out of your pocket to thank at random. Very cute. Okay, so you're funny and have an British accent. I'm still not watching your show - my TiVo's full already. Oh, and your wife is a normal woman - not some plastic silicone bimbo. Okay - I may watch it once.

Commercial.

Melanie Griffith is presenting. She's an example of why you don't get a tattoo in a place you may want to expose later in life. Trashy trashy trashy. And those boobs - my god - everything's sagging but those. Her daughter is Miss Golden Globes. She looks like trouble. She's the one slouching in the photo - the one with attitude - the one with real boobs. Now they are presenting a clip from a nominee of best film for comedy.

Now we have Queen Latifah and Matt Dillon. Ooooh - awkward silence. Who speaks first, guys? No matter - Queen Latifah looks positively regal in that aqua blue dress. Now THIS is how you dress if you are carrying some extra love around, ladies. She now tops my best dressed. They are announcing best mini-series or motion picture made for TV - who wins??? I'm betting Empire Falls. I read that book and loved it. The miniseries, however, sort of bored me. I tried watching it a couple of times and just couldn't finish it. Yep - I'm right. Yawn.

Now presenting are William Peterson and Pamela Anderson. Wow, Pam. All anyone sees when you walk into a room are your boobs. It's a bit overkill, don't you think? It's like you're holding two bowling balls in there. So now she sees a friend in the audience, mouths "hi" and waves all cutesy. This isn't a high school awards night, Ms. Baywatch. Pull yourself together. Here's best actor for TV Actor, Comedy. Oh man - I love all of these guys. Zach Braff, Steve Carrell, Jason Lee, and - Charlie Sheen? Well, 4 out of 5. YAYAYAY - Steve Carrell won. "The Office" is the funniest show on television, bar none, and if you aren't watching it, you must start.

Oh his speech is priceless. He starts by saying he didn't expect this and didn't write anything, but his wife did and she handed him a speech she wrote for him. "I'd like to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press for this great honor. I'd also like to thank my wife, Nancy, for her constant support and for being so beautiful tonight... " Very funny. He thanks his wife like 4 times, once for giving birth to his two children, no matter how painful it may have been.

Okay now I'm tivoing it and watching the rest tomorrow morning so I can actually work - see, I work at night, from home, cuz though I know you may not believe me, but no one's paying me to write this blog. I KNOW! Be back in the morning.

***

I'm BACK. I'm gonna try to keep my comments short - cuz you could be reading for hours. Here's Jamie Foxx. Best actress in comedy or musical film. No brainer - goes to Reese Witherspoon. Wow her dress is hideous. She usually gets it right.

Chris Rock. Best Actress in TV comedy. 4 Desperate Housewives and Mary Louise Parker from Weeds. I had a hairdresser tell me I looked like Mary Louise Parker once - when I had long hair. (Way better than what I usually get - Liza Minelli.) And she WINS - for the show Weeds, which is on Showtime and which no one has watched. I especially love her since her boyfriend Billy Crudup left her for Claire Danes while she was 7 1/2 months pregnant. Ratbastard. And she dedicated her award to John Spencer from West Wing - remember, from my previous post - he's dead.

Emma Thompson. Looking beautiful. I love her short hair. Presenting a clip of Pride and Prejudice.

Eric Bana and Kate Beckinsdale. Man, she's gorgeous. Best actor in Miniseries or TV Movie. Jonathan Rhys-Meyers - Elvis. Who knew it was even a movie? Must have been on CBS. Oooh, he's Irish. An Irish Elvis. Hmm.

Eric and Kate come back to announce Best actress in Miniseries or TV Movie. And the winner is S. Epatha Merkerson! She's on Law and Order - won for Lackawanna Blues.

Colin Firth announcing. Man, he's cute. Presenting a nominee for Best film.

Harrison Ford and Virginia Madsen. Man, Harrison is looking old. Best Screenplay - Motion Picture. The winner is Brokeback Mountain! It's an excellent film - was based on a short story by Annie Prouix. God I love that movie.

Jill Hennessey and Josh Duhamel. He's so hot. And Jill Hennessey reminds me of my bestest friend Jen. Best comedy - TV. The Office isn't even nominated. That's a crime. Blah blah - Desperate Housewives. I totally don't even watch that show anymore. Fast forward.

Penelope Cruz. Looking nice. Not as nice as Queen Latifah. Presenting film clips from nominee for best picture.

Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew McConaughey. I can't stand her - they cut to Matthew Broderick who winks into the camera. Yuck. So everyone talks about her being a style icon and I think she looks hideous most of the time. Her hair is awful tonight. Matthew looks gorgeous, as always. I'm a big fan. Ever since Dazed and Confused - you gotta keep on living. L-I-V-I-N. Best foreign language film. Paradise Now wins. It's from Palestine. I'll put it on my Netflix.

Catherine Deneuve. Wow - that's a hideous dress. Awful. I totally don't understand her. Like, literally. I couldn't tell you a word she said. I only know she's presenting a clip for best film because the announcer said so right before she got onstage.

Julian McMahon and Rosario Dawson. Wow - that dress is bizarre too. What are these people thinking? Best original score. Winner: Memoirs of a Geisha - John Williams. He does all the music on films, doesn't he. I think Brokeback Mountain should have won - that music is beautiful and haunting and perfect.

Mariah Carey. Dude why does every outfit this chick puts on looks a size too small? She's a pretty girl. Okay - best original song. Winner: Brokeback Mountain! YAYAY - I'm totally buying that soundtrack.

Cecil B. DeMille award - presented by Gwyneth Paltrow. Looking VERY pregnant. That dress - I hate the sleeves. And it looks like the elastic ripped on one of her arms. It goes to Anthony Hopkins. A classic.

Mandy Moore - Zach Braff's girlfriend. Another clip.

Clint Eastwood. Looking sharp in that velvet jacket. Seriously - anyway, nominee for best director motion picture. Brokeback Mountain wins again! That Ang Lee is a genius.

John Travolta announcing best actor in musical or comedy. Joaquin Phoenix wins for Walk the Line - his Johnny Cash film. Didn't see it - heard he was great. Ooooh - he didn't thank Reese by name. Just thanks all the actors on this film. Interesting.

Tim McGraw presenting a clip. Moving on.

Renee Zellweger anouncing best motion picture, musical or comedy. She looks great - man, she wears clothes well. She has the best posture - I'm working on my posture this year - I look at myself on video or in pics and I'm like an old lady. Oh, Walk the Line wins.

Will and Grace cast. Best TV Drama. LOST! WON! LOST WON!Dude this show is awesome. If you're not TiVoing it, go do it now. Set up a season pass. This and The Office.

Dennis Quaid - presenting the clip - Brokeback Mountain. I think he's drunk. Did I mention this movie was awesome and I loved it? Just in case I haven't - it is fantastic. "If you can't fix it, you have to stand it." Go see it now.

Leo DiCaprio - Best actress in film - drama - Felicity Huffman won! Transamerica. She's a women who plays a man who's becoming a woman. Did I just blow your mind? She doesn't look like a man tonight.

Hilary Swank - she's still wearing a ring
. Best Actor - drama. Philip Seymour Hoffman wins. Now, I'm torn here. I loved Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain. But I've been a fan of Philip Seymour Hoffman for so many years.

I'm losing steam here....

And Best Film - Drama - Brokeback Mountain!!! Sigh. What a great ending.

Thanks for watching with me!

RagHag Roundup

The main story of the week was Angelina Jolie's pregnancy. The only one that got it right, of course, was People, who posted several pictures along with the story. I'm telling you right now, she is at least 5 months pregnant. I predict she will give birth no later than May. Which means that they conceived no later than August. Which means that Brad was still a married man.

Which means that Ms. Jolie should, again, learn to keep her mouth shut:

"I don't and won't sleep with married men - period."

***

The article that got MY attention, however, was a tiny little snippet tucked away in In Touch's "In The Know" section. Sharon Stone is dating former Laker and Vanessa Williams husband Rick Fox.

Now, I know most of you won't care that much about this. So she's dating a former basketball player. Big whoop. But when I'm not reading trash magazines and writing about it here, I'm playing fantasy basketball. I know - dorky, right? I actually do it for Mr. Diva. He buys my magazines and watches Entertainment Tonight with me. I play fantasy basketball with him. It's my second year and I'm currently in last place in our league. Hey, I didn't say I was good at it.

So to keep me interested in the whole thing, I try to follow the personal lives of the players. Tony Parker is dating Eva Longoria. Kobe "Consensual" Bryant knocked up his wife. And I happen to know a lot about Rick Fox.

I never was fond of Rick Fox. He's a pretty boy, and there's no room for pretty boys in the NBA. He was always overacting and generally making a fool of himself. And on my gossip boards, there was rampant talk about his cheating ways. In fact, there were pics of him making out with some blond in the National Enquirer shortly before they announced their plans for divorce. There were tons of blind items about orgies and std's that everyone agreed were most likely about him.

Seems that Sharon is getting herself a handful with this one. I predict this will end before it is even confirmed by anyone's publicist.

***

Well, tonight's the Golden Globes. I know I said I was going to talk about the attire of the stars after the People's Choice Awards, but then the news of Angie's pregnancy broke and frankly, that trumps the designer choices of the subpar celebrities who actually went to the PCA. That award show sucks ass, and should just go away. I couldn't even watch it - I turned it on for a couple of seconds and saw Reese Witherspoon giving high-fives to the fans in the crowd. I mean, really. This is not award show behavior, unless it's on a music channel and they are giving out moonmen and golden popcorn statues.

But the Golden Globes is another story. This is the precursor to the Oscars. This will give us an idea of who will win the Award of the Academy.

I have seen just one of the nominated films (I have a one-year old, remember) but I think I saw the right one - Brokeback Mountain. MonicaHarmonica and I saw it before I left Seattle and we both thought it was fabulous. I can't tell you how much I loved that movie. And I agree with all the talkers out there - Heath Ledger should definitely win Best Actor. He was better than fantastic. The movie was one of the best movies I have seen. I still think of it and it's been weeks since I saw it.

So I'm rooting for the gay cowboys. I'll update tomorrow about all the goings-on!

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Well What Do Ya Know? Angie DIDN'T Call Jen

Nor did Jen call her.

Seems that Jen found out about Angie's maternal state just like the rest of us: through my blog.

I'm not really sure how I feel about this - does Brad as the ex-husband have a moral obligation to tell his former spouse that he knocked up his new girlfriend? I mean, it sounds like it would have been the nice thing to do. Or at least tell a friend to tell her or something.

But this also screams "I'm a victim still, feel sorry for me" desperation on behalf of Aniston and her publicist.

Man, this is a good story, huh?

And Angie DID say not a year ago that she would never have biological children. Here's the quote:

"I cannot ever have a biological child because I feel that would be one less child taken out of an orphanage and it would just haunt me."

"I know how many kids are out there."

"I think we're all meant to do certain things and I'm meant to find my family across the world among the kids who are already born."

This is proof positive that celebrities should not be allowed to speak. Dumbass.

I hope her kid never learns to read, that's all I have to say.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

She May Not Have Called Jen with the News...

... but it seems that Angie has news indeed!

I suspected this was the case - but this is confirmation - here's the People link with a pic of her looking pretty preggers.

Well, mazel tov, I suppose. Now they will be linked forever. Hopefully, they'll figure out how to make this relationship stick.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Today's "Uh, No Shit" Award Goes To....

Mr. Blackwell!

(I would have posted earlier, and I would have posted more, but Blogger is having a bad day. Tune in tomorrow for People's Choice Award Winners - and more importantly, who wore the worst outfit!!!)

Monday, January 09, 2006

RagHag Roundup

Okay - so I technically did NOT break my New Year's resolution because I had no internet connection last Thursday and Friday. And I was being a bitchy bitchbitch to my husband (see post below). And I asked MonicaHarmonica if she thought I broke it and she said "No." So Tori's marriage lives another day.

I didn't get all of the magazines this week - only the ones that were available at our new local Target, which according to Mr. Diva comes in distant second to the Target in Seattle (where they have cart escalators, for the love of Christ). But here's the big story of the week according to most of the rags. Of course, this excludes People, because they only print stories they can verify. Details.

Sooo, it seems that some sort of phone call transpired between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. Now, who called whom is up for debate, as is the content of the conversation. I'll just present what the rags reported and you decide:

Life&Style
Headline: Angie tells Jen: I'm Pregnant.
Subtitle: EXCLUSIVE! In a tearful phone call, Angelina breaks her baby news to Jen. PLUS, why Brad couldn't just tell her himself.

The Gist:
So the article starts out with, "According to a longtime friend of the duo..." and I can't help but ask who, exactly, makes up this duo? Brad and Jen? or Brad and Angelina? Because I don't see how someone can call themselves a "longtime" friend of a couple that has been together for less than a year. Anyway, this "longtime friend" said that Angie called Jen to tell her the wonderful news of her pregnancy. "She did it in a very nice way - like one old friend to another."

Yeah, right. And I bet Jen was overjoyed to hear the news from the harlot who effectively stole her husband away. "'Angelina has tried to reach out to Jen and befriend her,'" says the friend, who says Jen reacted with a brief crying jag. Still, 'Angie feels that the incident was a bonding moment for Jen and her."

Bullshit. There is no way in hell this happened, at least the way they right it. Wait, it gets better. The "longtime" friend goes on to say, "Brad still feels deep guilt over the way things turned out between him and Jen. He feels that he could have handled things better, and so does Angie. If he hurt Jen again, it would rip his heart out."

BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT.

Veracity Score: -666 Karma is a bitch, guys. It's gonna catch up wit ya.

InTouch
Headline: JEN TALKS TO ANGELINA!
Subtitle: Finally - how they really feel about each other

The Gist:
I bet you I could guess how they really feel about each other. Jen thinks Angelina is a husband-stealing whore and Angelina thinks Jen is a mousy insecure TV actress. And guess what? They'd BOTH be right!

So Jen was calling Brad a few days before Christmas and Angelina answered. Oops. AWKward. Jen's number comes up as Private on the Caller ID, so she knew that Angie didn't know it was her. A-HA! The upper hand! "She faced three choices: Hang up, ask for Brad without identifying herself or talk to the woman widely believed to have wrecked her five-year marriage."

Hmmmm, what to do, what to do? Quite a conundrum on her hands. Now, if this was Jen of Christmas Past, she may have pursued the first two options, or Option #4, which was curiously omitted: Shout at the top of your lungs, "Brother-kissing, Billy-Bob boning, Blood wearing, Bi-curious Brunette Bimbo BITCH!" (and then hang up).

But Jen has grown. She's done yoga on the beach. She's vacationed with Vince. She drank champagne with Oprah, for god's sake. The girl has been HEALED. She chose door number 3.

"In a calm voice, she greeted Angelina and the two women had a short - if strained - conversation for the first time since Jen split from Brad."

No flipping way.

"[A]fter a few minutes of small talk and awkward pauses, Jen realized that she wouldn't weaken or seem irritated or intimidated; she would rise above it." Cue Gloria Gaynor. "She would talk to Angelina for as long as Angelina talked to her."

SNAP!

The next part reads like a badly written Harlequin. "Jen no doubt felt a small sense of victory as Angelina quietly handed the phone to Brad. When he took the phone and realized that Angelina had been speaking to his ex in such a civil tone, Brad was surprised. As he spoke to Jen, he looked at his girlfriend, trying to gauge her mood, but Angelina met his gaze with a calm expression that masked her feelings. As he finally ended the call with Jen, Brad felt unsettled about what had just taken place."

Okay, who exactly is the source of this material? It's as if Jackie Collins was in the room.

It goes on with more bullshit, and then ends with this:

"Much as it may upset her, Angelina knows Brad's ex will always be a part of his life. So does Jen."

Dum DUM dummmmmmmm.....

Oh, and interesting sidenote - no mention of Angie's pregnancy.

Veracity Score: -*69.

The other rags I got at the subpar Target, Star, Us, and People, don't report any phone calls between the two ladies.

Star
says that "on the eve of her nuptials" Angelina is stressed out for five reasons:
1. Angie's mom is all sick with cancer.
2. Angie's still concerned about her daughter Zahara's health.
3. Angie's stressed by the public perception that she's a homewrecker.
4. Jen's still close with Brad's family.
5. Everyone's saying she's preggers.

Um. Okay.

Us says Angelina called OFF the wedding, cuz she's conflicted. Another "close friend" says, "Like everything with Angelina, there is a dichotomy. She wants to be married desperately but is addicted to her independence. She is conflicted about it. She doesn't want to ever jinx... what is going on with them now. She keeps going back and forth about it."

Blah blah and blah.

Another "source close to Jolie" says she ain't knocked up, and she's just messing with the photogs. That crazy chick! "She would have told me she was pregnant, and she didn't look it," said the source. Yeah, she totally would have told you, because obviously she could trust that you wouldn't run to the tabloids with your story. Sure sure.

And People doesn't even have a picture of Brad and Ange. Not on motorcycles. Not flying planes. Not grocery shopping. Nothing.

Whoops. Spoke too soon. In the fabulous, totally worth the price of admission StarTracks section, there's a picture of Brad, with dark brown hair, wearing a motorcycle jacket and browsing architecture books at a bookstore in Santa Monica. And, no, there's no mention of him being preggers either.



Hillary and Rob Lowe's Brother Break Up

I'm sad about this breakup. All of the interviews I've seen of them really made me think they had what it took to make the long haul. Ah, well - at least there aren't kids to traumatize.

Marriage in general is a hard thing. For example, during this recent move to San Diego, Mr. Diva and I experienced beaucoup stress. Turns out moving with a one-year-old IS hard. I spent the three days being snappish and moody and cranky and generally unpleasant. I'm surprised he didn't leave me at a rest stop in Redding. So I will use this public forum to apologize to Mr. Diva for being such a bitchy bitchbitch. And, Mr. Diva, I will never forget to thank you in my Oscar speech.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Well, I guess it's not gonna stick

Denise Richards decided NOT to take Charlie Sheen back!

I was informed by MonicaHarmonica that I did not update yesterday. Jeeeeesus. I was like, what, 2 days into my resolution and I broke it! Man - I may have even beat Tori's record.

Well, I do have a reason. RagHag Diva is moving to San Diego, baby. So I can be closer to all the Hollywood gossip (and so Mr. Diva can pursue a teaching job). I will try my best to update the next three days while on the road!

UPDATE: I DID update yesterday! Yes! The resolution holds!!!!!

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

New Good-Looking Couple Alert

George Clooney and Lucy Liu.

I never thought I would ever have the opportunity to quote Paris Hilton, but that's hot.

Monday, January 02, 2006

RagHag Roundup

FINALLY! Nick Lachey's side of the story is highlighted in this week's Us Weekly.

This is what I've been waiting for. Week after week, we've heard the same bullshit from Jessica's PR platoon. She's so sad that she couldn't even smile while shopping, people. But, she had to file because she couldn't be in a marriage that her husband didn't want to be in. Oh, and he's NOT getting no spousal support from her. Blah Blah. Living with her parents - then buying a little 3 million dollar home.

WELL, seems that Jessica's peeps know how to spin a story. But according to Nick's minions, Jessica is not the victim she wants everyone to think she is.

There weren't a lot of details, just that Jessica isn't as innocent as she appears, and Nick knows it. He feels she has lied to him and is continuing to lie to her adoring public. He has basically stayed the same guy he was when they got married. She, on the other hand, has done a 180. The insecure virgin suffering from low self-esteem is now an ego-inflated sex symbol who has sychophants agreeing with her that her shit don't smell. Well, Jessica - everybody poops. And every poop smells.

I just hope Nick takes my advice dows some tell-all interview with Barbara Walters and knocks that talentless bim off the pedastal everyone worked so hard to build for her.

As far as the rest of the news, well, it was light. Lots of celebrity diet stories. Resolutions and all. If you HAVE to buy a mag this week, go for Us. At least you won't have to read the latest of the Jessica bullshit spin.

Resolutions

I am swearing to all y'all that this year, I will post consistently, Mondays thru Fridays, no matter how dry the C-Leb news is.

I also swear to begin the week with a RagHag Roundup, detailing the best and the worst details from the week's C-Leb magazines.

I also swear to pay homage to that musical maestro, Kevin Federline, aka K-Fed, by referring to celebrities as C-Lebs.

Start your pools now - I predict these promises will stick for as long as Tori Spelling's second marriage (if it even gets that far).