RagHag Diva

Dissecting all the weekly trash celebrity magazines so YOU don't have to!

Monday, January 16, 2006

Golden Globes Gabfest

I started late - so right now it's 8:17 - I missed the first couple of awards. Including George Clooney winning Best Supporting Actor for Syriana. He's the closest to Cary Grant our generation is gonna get. Man, he's handsome. So let's just get to it.

Jessica Alba and Luke Wilson (presenters): Luke Wilson is Mot's lost identical twin brother, but Mot, Luke has put on a bit of weight, and it doesn't look good. His face looks a bit bloated. So put that doughnut down, Mot - become known as the guy who looks like Luke Wilson when Luke is skinny. They are giving the best supporting actor in a TV drama, miniseries, blah blah. And the award goes to Paul Newman, Empire Falls. Of course, Paul has better things to do than attend the Golden Globes. Sorry, Mom (she LOVES him).

Teri Hatcher and some guy who will be Superman. Teri's not looking that great tonight. Kay now it's best supporting actress in a TV drama, miniseries, blah blah. And the winner is Sandra Oh. Now she's freaking out cuz she doesn't know how to get to the stage. Reese Witherspoon helped her out. She's freaking out. She looks pretty - but the white dress sort of washes her out.

Drew Barrymore. Oh why did you wear that green dress. It sort of makes you look like an awkward junior high girl from 1986. You know - the one that everyone made fun of. And no bra. Honey - you're nippin, and everyone can see it. I mean it - you can actually see the outline of the nipple through that material. Awful. You top my worst dressed so far.

Emma Rossum - Beautiful girl. Was in Phantom of the Opera. Got the crappy job of saluting the Hollywood Foreign Press and introducing the President. Cut to Gwyneth Paltrow clapping lazily and looking serene and motherly. She's pregnant again, you know. Now this guy is talking. Blah blah, blah blah BLAH.

OK now Jesse Martin from Law and Order is presenting with Nicolette Sheridan. He's looking fine. And she looks fantastic. That blue in her dress matches her eyes. Gorgeous. She's in my best dressed for sure. And I don't really even like her that much. Best actress in a drama, blah blah - goes to.....

Geena Davis - Who is your stylist? Because when I am nominated for my Oscar, I want to be sure NOT to use her. That dress is hideous. It shows your backfat, for the love of god. Do you not have 3-way mirrors to consult? And this color -the red strapless mermaid look - not a good one for you. Yes, your lipstick matches the dress, but your hair clashes terribly. And those ruffles. Bob Mackie would love your dress. The rest of us, however, do not.

Evangeline Lilly - She's announcing winner for best actor. Nice dress - you're a beautiful girl, but Mr. Diva thinks your pregnant. Are you pregnant with the Lord of the Rings guy's baby?

Hugh Laurie won best actor in a TV series - for House. Is that even a show? Has it been cancelled? But I like your accent. I like your gimmick of pulling 3 names out of your pocket to thank at random. Very cute. Okay, so you're funny and have an British accent. I'm still not watching your show - my TiVo's full already. Oh, and your wife is a normal woman - not some plastic silicone bimbo. Okay - I may watch it once.

Commercial.

Melanie Griffith is presenting. She's an example of why you don't get a tattoo in a place you may want to expose later in life. Trashy trashy trashy. And those boobs - my god - everything's sagging but those. Her daughter is Miss Golden Globes. She looks like trouble. She's the one slouching in the photo - the one with attitude - the one with real boobs. Now they are presenting a clip from a nominee of best film for comedy.

Now we have Queen Latifah and Matt Dillon. Ooooh - awkward silence. Who speaks first, guys? No matter - Queen Latifah looks positively regal in that aqua blue dress. Now THIS is how you dress if you are carrying some extra love around, ladies. She now tops my best dressed. They are announcing best mini-series or motion picture made for TV - who wins??? I'm betting Empire Falls. I read that book and loved it. The miniseries, however, sort of bored me. I tried watching it a couple of times and just couldn't finish it. Yep - I'm right. Yawn.

Now presenting are William Peterson and Pamela Anderson. Wow, Pam. All anyone sees when you walk into a room are your boobs. It's a bit overkill, don't you think? It's like you're holding two bowling balls in there. So now she sees a friend in the audience, mouths "hi" and waves all cutesy. This isn't a high school awards night, Ms. Baywatch. Pull yourself together. Here's best actor for TV Actor, Comedy. Oh man - I love all of these guys. Zach Braff, Steve Carrell, Jason Lee, and - Charlie Sheen? Well, 4 out of 5. YAYAYAY - Steve Carrell won. "The Office" is the funniest show on television, bar none, and if you aren't watching it, you must start.

Oh his speech is priceless. He starts by saying he didn't expect this and didn't write anything, but his wife did and she handed him a speech she wrote for him. "I'd like to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press for this great honor. I'd also like to thank my wife, Nancy, for her constant support and for being so beautiful tonight... " Very funny. He thanks his wife like 4 times, once for giving birth to his two children, no matter how painful it may have been.

Okay now I'm tivoing it and watching the rest tomorrow morning so I can actually work - see, I work at night, from home, cuz though I know you may not believe me, but no one's paying me to write this blog. I KNOW! Be back in the morning.

***

I'm BACK. I'm gonna try to keep my comments short - cuz you could be reading for hours. Here's Jamie Foxx. Best actress in comedy or musical film. No brainer - goes to Reese Witherspoon. Wow her dress is hideous. She usually gets it right.

Chris Rock. Best Actress in TV comedy. 4 Desperate Housewives and Mary Louise Parker from Weeds. I had a hairdresser tell me I looked like Mary Louise Parker once - when I had long hair. (Way better than what I usually get - Liza Minelli.) And she WINS - for the show Weeds, which is on Showtime and which no one has watched. I especially love her since her boyfriend Billy Crudup left her for Claire Danes while she was 7 1/2 months pregnant. Ratbastard. And she dedicated her award to John Spencer from West Wing - remember, from my previous post - he's dead.

Emma Thompson. Looking beautiful. I love her short hair. Presenting a clip of Pride and Prejudice.

Eric Bana and Kate Beckinsdale. Man, she's gorgeous. Best actor in Miniseries or TV Movie. Jonathan Rhys-Meyers - Elvis. Who knew it was even a movie? Must have been on CBS. Oooh, he's Irish. An Irish Elvis. Hmm.

Eric and Kate come back to announce Best actress in Miniseries or TV Movie. And the winner is S. Epatha Merkerson! She's on Law and Order - won for Lackawanna Blues.

Colin Firth announcing. Man, he's cute. Presenting a nominee for Best film.

Harrison Ford and Virginia Madsen. Man, Harrison is looking old. Best Screenplay - Motion Picture. The winner is Brokeback Mountain! It's an excellent film - was based on a short story by Annie Prouix. God I love that movie.

Jill Hennessey and Josh Duhamel. He's so hot. And Jill Hennessey reminds me of my bestest friend Jen. Best comedy - TV. The Office isn't even nominated. That's a crime. Blah blah - Desperate Housewives. I totally don't even watch that show anymore. Fast forward.

Penelope Cruz. Looking nice. Not as nice as Queen Latifah. Presenting film clips from nominee for best picture.

Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew McConaughey. I can't stand her - they cut to Matthew Broderick who winks into the camera. Yuck. So everyone talks about her being a style icon and I think she looks hideous most of the time. Her hair is awful tonight. Matthew looks gorgeous, as always. I'm a big fan. Ever since Dazed and Confused - you gotta keep on living. L-I-V-I-N. Best foreign language film. Paradise Now wins. It's from Palestine. I'll put it on my Netflix.

Catherine Deneuve. Wow - that's a hideous dress. Awful. I totally don't understand her. Like, literally. I couldn't tell you a word she said. I only know she's presenting a clip for best film because the announcer said so right before she got onstage.

Julian McMahon and Rosario Dawson. Wow - that dress is bizarre too. What are these people thinking? Best original score. Winner: Memoirs of a Geisha - John Williams. He does all the music on films, doesn't he. I think Brokeback Mountain should have won - that music is beautiful and haunting and perfect.

Mariah Carey. Dude why does every outfit this chick puts on looks a size too small? She's a pretty girl. Okay - best original song. Winner: Brokeback Mountain! YAYAY - I'm totally buying that soundtrack.

Cecil B. DeMille award - presented by Gwyneth Paltrow. Looking VERY pregnant. That dress - I hate the sleeves. And it looks like the elastic ripped on one of her arms. It goes to Anthony Hopkins. A classic.

Mandy Moore - Zach Braff's girlfriend. Another clip.

Clint Eastwood. Looking sharp in that velvet jacket. Seriously - anyway, nominee for best director motion picture. Brokeback Mountain wins again! That Ang Lee is a genius.

John Travolta announcing best actor in musical or comedy. Joaquin Phoenix wins for Walk the Line - his Johnny Cash film. Didn't see it - heard he was great. Ooooh - he didn't thank Reese by name. Just thanks all the actors on this film. Interesting.

Tim McGraw presenting a clip. Moving on.

Renee Zellweger anouncing best motion picture, musical or comedy. She looks great - man, she wears clothes well. She has the best posture - I'm working on my posture this year - I look at myself on video or in pics and I'm like an old lady. Oh, Walk the Line wins.

Will and Grace cast. Best TV Drama. LOST! WON! LOST WON!Dude this show is awesome. If you're not TiVoing it, go do it now. Set up a season pass. This and The Office.

Dennis Quaid - presenting the clip - Brokeback Mountain. I think he's drunk. Did I mention this movie was awesome and I loved it? Just in case I haven't - it is fantastic. "If you can't fix it, you have to stand it." Go see it now.

Leo DiCaprio - Best actress in film - drama - Felicity Huffman won! Transamerica. She's a women who plays a man who's becoming a woman. Did I just blow your mind? She doesn't look like a man tonight.

Hilary Swank - she's still wearing a ring
. Best Actor - drama. Philip Seymour Hoffman wins. Now, I'm torn here. I loved Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain. But I've been a fan of Philip Seymour Hoffman for so many years.

I'm losing steam here....

And Best Film - Drama - Brokeback Mountain!!! Sigh. What a great ending.

Thanks for watching with me!

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know, next time, I'm not going to watch the Golden Globes... you did an EXCELLENT job of play-by-play. Of course, I agree with you... with some exceptions. I liked Gina and Penelope looks like one of those pompadore (sp?) dogs. It must be the big boobs that has all the men coming back for more... it ain't the looks. And Drew... yeah.. pretty funny. Notice that the camera went from a full torso shot to just focusing on her head and fuzzy, fuzzy eyebrows. Didn't she get a wax before the show? I saw some errant hairs... I hear Eva did get a wax via gay boy on E!... the commentary on E! was SOOOO lame... I don't want to know who is wearing underwear or not. Melissa and Joan were so much better. And Melanie... not only is her tattoo probably the lamest ever (my son could have needled that), but it makes her look even saggier than she is.

And My Name is Earl totally kicks Office ass.

MH

9:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, I missed the Golden Globes too. I was busy LIVIN!!!! Actually I was playing tennis.
Rag Hag, your Golden Globes wrap was awesome. I feel as if I missed nothing. I do think you should bring up Isaac Mizrahi's strange behavior. He groped dame, Scarlett Johanson. I think that was totally inappropriate. I don't care if he is gay or not. There is a right and wrong way to do things. Isaac chose the wrong way. I see my twin has gained some weight. Don't be so hard on him. It is probably due to a role in a movie. Pretty soon he will look as good as me once again ;)

Take care and keep up the good work.

Mot

12:46 PM  

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