RagHag Diva

Dissecting all the weekly trash celebrity magazines so YOU don't have to!

Monday, January 09, 2006

RagHag Roundup

Okay - so I technically did NOT break my New Year's resolution because I had no internet connection last Thursday and Friday. And I was being a bitchy bitchbitch to my husband (see post below). And I asked MonicaHarmonica if she thought I broke it and she said "No." So Tori's marriage lives another day.

I didn't get all of the magazines this week - only the ones that were available at our new local Target, which according to Mr. Diva comes in distant second to the Target in Seattle (where they have cart escalators, for the love of Christ). But here's the big story of the week according to most of the rags. Of course, this excludes People, because they only print stories they can verify. Details.

Sooo, it seems that some sort of phone call transpired between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. Now, who called whom is up for debate, as is the content of the conversation. I'll just present what the rags reported and you decide:

Life&Style
Headline: Angie tells Jen: I'm Pregnant.
Subtitle: EXCLUSIVE! In a tearful phone call, Angelina breaks her baby news to Jen. PLUS, why Brad couldn't just tell her himself.

The Gist:
So the article starts out with, "According to a longtime friend of the duo..." and I can't help but ask who, exactly, makes up this duo? Brad and Jen? or Brad and Angelina? Because I don't see how someone can call themselves a "longtime" friend of a couple that has been together for less than a year. Anyway, this "longtime friend" said that Angie called Jen to tell her the wonderful news of her pregnancy. "She did it in a very nice way - like one old friend to another."

Yeah, right. And I bet Jen was overjoyed to hear the news from the harlot who effectively stole her husband away. "'Angelina has tried to reach out to Jen and befriend her,'" says the friend, who says Jen reacted with a brief crying jag. Still, 'Angie feels that the incident was a bonding moment for Jen and her."

Bullshit. There is no way in hell this happened, at least the way they right it. Wait, it gets better. The "longtime" friend goes on to say, "Brad still feels deep guilt over the way things turned out between him and Jen. He feels that he could have handled things better, and so does Angie. If he hurt Jen again, it would rip his heart out."

BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT.

Veracity Score: -666 Karma is a bitch, guys. It's gonna catch up wit ya.

InTouch
Headline: JEN TALKS TO ANGELINA!
Subtitle: Finally - how they really feel about each other

The Gist:
I bet you I could guess how they really feel about each other. Jen thinks Angelina is a husband-stealing whore and Angelina thinks Jen is a mousy insecure TV actress. And guess what? They'd BOTH be right!

So Jen was calling Brad a few days before Christmas and Angelina answered. Oops. AWKward. Jen's number comes up as Private on the Caller ID, so she knew that Angie didn't know it was her. A-HA! The upper hand! "She faced three choices: Hang up, ask for Brad without identifying herself or talk to the woman widely believed to have wrecked her five-year marriage."

Hmmmm, what to do, what to do? Quite a conundrum on her hands. Now, if this was Jen of Christmas Past, she may have pursued the first two options, or Option #4, which was curiously omitted: Shout at the top of your lungs, "Brother-kissing, Billy-Bob boning, Blood wearing, Bi-curious Brunette Bimbo BITCH!" (and then hang up).

But Jen has grown. She's done yoga on the beach. She's vacationed with Vince. She drank champagne with Oprah, for god's sake. The girl has been HEALED. She chose door number 3.

"In a calm voice, she greeted Angelina and the two women had a short - if strained - conversation for the first time since Jen split from Brad."

No flipping way.

"[A]fter a few minutes of small talk and awkward pauses, Jen realized that she wouldn't weaken or seem irritated or intimidated; she would rise above it." Cue Gloria Gaynor. "She would talk to Angelina for as long as Angelina talked to her."

SNAP!

The next part reads like a badly written Harlequin. "Jen no doubt felt a small sense of victory as Angelina quietly handed the phone to Brad. When he took the phone and realized that Angelina had been speaking to his ex in such a civil tone, Brad was surprised. As he spoke to Jen, he looked at his girlfriend, trying to gauge her mood, but Angelina met his gaze with a calm expression that masked her feelings. As he finally ended the call with Jen, Brad felt unsettled about what had just taken place."

Okay, who exactly is the source of this material? It's as if Jackie Collins was in the room.

It goes on with more bullshit, and then ends with this:

"Much as it may upset her, Angelina knows Brad's ex will always be a part of his life. So does Jen."

Dum DUM dummmmmmmm.....

Oh, and interesting sidenote - no mention of Angie's pregnancy.

Veracity Score: -*69.

The other rags I got at the subpar Target, Star, Us, and People, don't report any phone calls between the two ladies.

Star
says that "on the eve of her nuptials" Angelina is stressed out for five reasons:
1. Angie's mom is all sick with cancer.
2. Angie's still concerned about her daughter Zahara's health.
3. Angie's stressed by the public perception that she's a homewrecker.
4. Jen's still close with Brad's family.
5. Everyone's saying she's preggers.

Um. Okay.

Us says Angelina called OFF the wedding, cuz she's conflicted. Another "close friend" says, "Like everything with Angelina, there is a dichotomy. She wants to be married desperately but is addicted to her independence. She is conflicted about it. She doesn't want to ever jinx... what is going on with them now. She keeps going back and forth about it."

Blah blah and blah.

Another "source close to Jolie" says she ain't knocked up, and she's just messing with the photogs. That crazy chick! "She would have told me she was pregnant, and she didn't look it," said the source. Yeah, she totally would have told you, because obviously she could trust that you wouldn't run to the tabloids with your story. Sure sure.

And People doesn't even have a picture of Brad and Ange. Not on motorcycles. Not flying planes. Not grocery shopping. Nothing.

Whoops. Spoke too soon. In the fabulous, totally worth the price of admission StarTracks section, there's a picture of Brad, with dark brown hair, wearing a motorcycle jacket and browsing architecture books at a bookstore in Santa Monica. And, no, there's no mention of him being preggers either.



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