RagHag Diva

Dissecting all the weekly trash celebrity magazines so YOU don't have to!

Monday, February 27, 2006

Mama Diva's in town....

so I won't be doing a Raghag Roundup today.

But dude, George Michael got busted again, this time for doing blow.

Well, I guess it wasn't blow - sounds more like weed.

Dude. What is up with him doing his private stuff in public? I guess he's just gotta have faith.

Barney Fife is dead. So is the dad from A Christmas Story. And so is Octavia Butler. She was only 58. Which is sad.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Awesome

I hesitate even putting this in here, for that would mean that I consider James Frey a celebrity. But I've talked about him before, so I thought you would want an update.

He got canned!

Now usually I would not celebrate another's misfortune. Unless it was Britney Spears. Or Jessica Simpson. Okay - scratch that.

But I will REVEL in James Frey plight, because that's exactly what he lied about - having a horrible life full of jail terms and deaths and hitting cops with cars. Well, karma has a way of biting you in the ass. Now you have a life full of misery, Jim. It's not the misery you want. It's not sexy misery. It's more like pathetic misery. So there you go - you've been shamed by the queen of media. You've been dropped by your publisher. You're being sued by readers, for christ's sake.

Here's how I know he ain't no addict. Cuz any alcoholic and drug user would have been way off the wagon by now, after all this shit.

You got what you deserved, Frey.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

I know what it will take to win THIS contest.

90 minutes of jiggling boobies

Okay, I liked Howard Stern before he got divorced. I loved Private Parts, which I have discussed with you before, and his celebrity interviews are second to none. Seriously - he gets celebrities to talk about stuff they would never talk about with an ordinary interview. He shies away from nothing or no one.

But a film festival? Like we need more stupid, boobie flicks? If a film gets selected that actually has a plot, and doesn't bare any female breasts, I will subscribe to Sirius and listen to him daily.

Somehow, I think I'm safe.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Wow. Is this the best I can come up with?

Let me show you how dull today's entertainment news is:

Actress Betty White Honored by L.A. Zoo Hello? Golden Girl news?

Angry Bond Fans Threaten to Boycott Film
because they don't like the casting of Daniel Craig in the lead role. Uh, wasn't that announced, like, 2 months ago? A little late to the game, folks.

Lohan Doesn't Want to Be Called Teen Queen Honey - believe me. You shouldn't really care what they call you, as long as they keep calling. And I'm thinking your 15 minutes is about up.

There's not much I can give you guys. If Bea Arthur gets a street named after her, I'll be sure to let you know stat.

Monday, February 20, 2006

RagHag Roundup

Ok - so I took last week off. I know - I'm horrible. It was a long week - so let's just get back on the horse and ride, shall we?

So People had Britney "Car Seat" Spears on the cover with the headline "Britney SPEAKS HER MIND". This should take all of five minutes. Actually, we'd probably have a couple minutes to spare, huh?

I read it. People pisses me off sometimes. I mean, I love it - and have loved it for almost 2 decades. But they are like the Larry King of celebrity magazines. All softballs, all the time. There's nothing new to report here - she loves her baby and as unfortunate as the car seat situation was for her and her family, "if it brings more attention to child safety then I fully support that."

Uh, the only thing that's causing danger to your kid, Brit, is you.

Okay - so Us and In Touch has Jessica Simpson sleeping with the guy from Maroon 5 (before she was separated, mind you), while Star has her waking up neighbors with amorous calls of desire with Jude Law. Dude, didn't you know there was a hidden naughty bad dirty girl underneath that bible-thumping virgin persona? Oh, and Nick is dating some pageant chick with big knockers. At least he hasn't changed since the break-up.

Brangelina was in Paris over Valentine's Day and they were photographed in various stages of familial bliss - Brad and Maddox playing with remote controlled cars while Angie looked on, smiling. Brad wrapping his arms around Angie on a cold day. The whole family sitting down to eat in a cafe, Brad giving Zahara a bottle.

Here's my problem with Brad Pitt. Why is it he has to change his appearance to look like his girlfriend? He and Gwyneth had the same haircut when she was filming Sliding Doors. He had the same exact highlights and shade of tan as Jen when they got married. And now, his hair is dark brown, his skin is pasty white, and his clothes are all pitch black.

I think we could read a lot into this. He probably doesn't have much of an identity on his own. He really has never been alone, has he? He tends to go from girlfriend to girlfriend. I know everyone talks about how insecure Jen is, and I'm certain she is, but I think Brad is equally as unsure.

Okay, enough about that. I know you're dying to know why Heather Locklear and Ricky Sambora are breaking up. No? Well I'll tell you anyway - turns out that Ricky had an assistant that wanted to help him with more than just his dry cleaning, if you know what I mean. And I think you do. So Heather said, Fire her! Which he did. But she didn't take no for an answer, and Heather stumbled across a recent email Ricky got that contained jpegs of said assistant minus clothes. Hence, divorce.

It's so Jude Law circa 2005.

So the Canadian figure skaters that got the silver in Salt Lake when they totally should have gotten the gold, then got the gold when it was revealed that the judges were in cahoots with each other so everyone was happy - remember? Anyway, they got married.

Speaking of figure skating, did anyone catch the ice dancing last night? Dude - they were falling all over the place - dropping like flies. Mr. Diva won't watch figure skating because he hates watching when they fall - he gets all embarrassed for them. So I got him to watch last night, saying "It's ice dancing. They don't even do any jumps." HAHAHAHAHA! Whoops. Good news tho - Mr. Diva is now desensitized to all falling skaters, so I can watch on the good TV the rest of the Olympics. Hooray!

Okay - I'm off to prepare for tonight's events.

Monday, February 13, 2006

RagHag Roundup Will Happen...

...on Tuesday.

But today, I have to tell you what I did on Friday, because it involved seeing REAL CELEBRITIES.

Some were more famous than others. But all were more famous than me.

So my friend works at the Tiger Woods Learning Center. It's part of Tiger's huge charity network, the Tiger Woods Foundation. So it's this huge after-school center for kids to pursue the careers of their dreams, whether it be golf, forensic science, creative writing, or avionics. Friday was the opening of the Center, and I was invited to attend.

So the whole Diva family sat in an open-air tent waiting for the speeches to begin, but really we were looking for celebrities. Mr. Diva saw Bill Walsh, some famous football coach. But since my rags don't include Sports Illustrated, I had no idea who he was.

So right before the speeches were supposed to start, they escorted the celebrities to the front of the tent. VIP seating at a ribbon cutting ceremonies.

Stedman Graham walked to the back of the tent, all cool-like. For those of you living under rocks, Stedman is the long-time gentleman friend of one Ms. Oprah Winfrey. Then Peter Gallagher of the O.C. entered the tent and took his place up front. You know him - Mr. Eyebrows of Sex, Lies and Videotape and While You Were Sleeping? Right behind him was Chris Tucker, the guy who's in the Rush Hour movies with Jackie Chan. Also in the clump of celebrities up front is one of my favorite guys from the shows Felicity and Alias: Greg Grunberg. He played Sean on Felicity and Eric on Alias.

Then the big guns were announced. First, Maria Shriver, First Lady of California. Then, the 42 President of the United States, President Bill Clinton! We all stood and cheered. And finally, the man whose name is on the building, Mr. Tiger Woods.

Maria Shriver gave a funny and unscripted speech about the conversation she had with Tiger's mother prior to entering the tent area. Maria said that she basically discovered that she was a terrible mother - and she probably should have done what Tiger's mom did with Tiger if she wanted to raise her kids up right. Tiger had to finish his homework before he played golf. If he was late getting home from somewhere, even just a minute, he was "going down", no matter what the excuse. She was strict, firm, and frightening. Which is why Tiger never messed up. Except once, when he was in junior high. His friend took him out of school without her knowledge. Tiger's mom got that kid's number, address, his parents names - she hunted them both down and took Tiger home, after giving that kid a talking to - and, of course, Tiger could never associate with that kid again. She don't play around.

Then, President Clinton spoke. After some jokes of being humbled beyond comprehension after playing a round of golf with Tiger yesterday, he spoke seriously of the generosity of Tiger Woods - the fact that he created this center when he was 30 rather than waiting until he was 60 speaks to his integrity and maturity. He spoke of public service by private citizens - and it really made me think about volunteering, and teaching Charlie from an early age that it's important to help people while expecting nothing in return, to give of your time and energy rather than just your cash. It was a wonderful speech.

Then Tiger spoke. He thanked his mom and dad, and it was evident that he loves and respects them both so much. He was so genuine. His father couldn't be there today because he's sick, which made Tiger choke up. But he spoke to his dad the night before who wanted to say one thing to everyone: thank you. Tiger said the center wasn't about him. It was about the kids. Again, it was a great, honest speech. None of the speakers spoke off of notes. They just talked to the crowd.

So the ribbon was cut and the socializing began. Turns out I'm not as brave as I thought I would be in the presence of celebrities. Sure, I can write snide comments about them in my sleep - it's my favorite thing to do, actually. But put me in a room with them and I become Mousy Marcie. I snuck in a picture of Stedman under the guise of taking a picture of my friend's wife, and then went looking for food.

So we stood in line for the buffet and all of the food was kid-friendly: mac and cheese, chicken fingers and ranch dressing, grilled cheese, chinese chicken salad. It was great. Baby D. and I sat down and just started eating when Mr. Diva spotted Bill Clinton. Baby Diva was right in the middle of lunch and covered with mac and cheese so I thought it was best to send Husband off to try to take a picture of his idol. Well, turns out that he actually met him. The President was shaking hands with guests and was moving into the VIP room, when he stopped, came back to the crowd, made eye contact with Mr. Diva, and shook his hand. Then, Mr. Diva said, "Mr. President" just like they do on West Wing. And just like that, he was gone.

Mr. Diva says his handshake was weaker than he expected. It was more of a touch than a shake.

Then, Carolyn Kepcher from The Apprentice walks by! Dude, she's tiny. Like a size 0. She was very pretty and gracious to people who spoke with her. I tried to sneak in a picture but couldn't do so inconspicuously.

We then saw Chris Tucker playing on the flight simulator with one of the students. He was very cool with the kids. My friend said that earlier, during President Clinton's private tour of the center with Tiger, one of the kids wanted to show Tiger the flight simulator software. Tiger thought they were on a tight schedule, and began to walk on. But the President stopped him, saying, "Now that's something I want to see." They sat with the kid while he showed them how it worked. It probably made that kid's life. President Clinton even mentioned the kid in his speech, commenting on how his hair was the most aero-dynamic style he's seen, so he would probably succeed in the field of avionics. There were no cameras during that tour. No reporters. Just Bill Clinton being Bill Clinton, and giving that kid a story that would be told again and again.

So it was cool. What did I learn from all of this? Well, celebrities get the best seats at any event they go to. They are often shorter than you think they are going to be. And this center is really the coolest thing I've seen in a while. Tiger kicks ass.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Grammys!

Sorry I didn't post yesterday. I was too busy anticipating what Mariah Carey was going to wear for the Grammys.

OK - not really. But I did watch the Grammys off and on last night. I was flipping back and forth during American Idol. And then at 10 I had to watch Project Runway. But I got the gist of it.

U2 still rocks. I love that band - and the worst decision I made in my lifetime was staying at school to play a gig at a frat house with my band rather than to go to my cousin's wedding in Chicago. See, U2 was playing at Chicago the same weekend, and it turned out my family stayed at the same hotel they did. So my brother and sister got to meet Bono and the rest of them while I made 50 bucks singing for a bunch of drunk fraternity guys. I had just seen them in concert, front row I may add, the week before. In hindsight, it would have been much cooler to meet U2.

My girl, Kelly Clarkson, got 2 Grammys. She won for "Since You've Been Gone" which is the best song ever and I don't care if you judge me for saying that, but she performed "Because of You", which was a bit odd. Whatever. She can sing what she wants. She also got some flack for not thanking the people at American Idol. People, that was 4 years ago. Isn't a girl allowed to distance herself from the reality show that made her famous? Is she indebted to them for her whole career? Let her live, for the love of god.

The suprise guest was Sly Stone. It's been 13 years since he's performed. He walked out in the middle of a song, played a bit of keyboard, and then left. It was odd. But he's an odd guy. Dave Chappelle introduced the segment, saying "The only thing harder than leaving show business is coming back." Poor Dave. He got a bit overwhelmed with his success on "The Chappelle Show" and had to take off for Africa for a bit. Looks like he's back. I, for one, am glad, because he is simply hilarious.

The only "scandal" was Teri Hatcher showing up in a see-through gown. But you couldn't see anything but the black boy-shorts panties underneath. Seems a little contrived to me.

So that's basically it. Death Cab for Cutie didn't win best alternative album, which is a crime. They are the best new band out there. If you haven't already, check them out.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

We all Suspected Britney was Stupid...

... when she married that K-Fed character.

But today it's been confirmed with the release of photos showing her driving with her baby on her lap, and now's she's got child protective services investigating (picture here).

Didn't we all know that CPS would be called in for something with this kid? It just goes to show you, you can take the pop star out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the pop star.

In full disclosure, I recently had to ride with my kid on my lap. I was the passenger - not the driver, and we went probably a quarter of a mile. Mr. Diva and I were picking up a couch and it wouldn't fit into our car unless we took Baby Diva out of his carseat and put him on my lap. I recall saying to Mr. Diva at the time, "The only thing that would make me more white trash right now is if I was smoking a cigarette and listening to classic rock."

I felt horrible doing it. She says the paparazzi made her do it. W.E. She either had the car seat of she didn't. AND there's someone else in the car with her - probably K.Fed. It would have been better if he held the kid or put him in the car seat while Britney was driving. She's an idiot.

Monday, February 06, 2006

RagHag Roundup

Let's just get to what is undoubtedly on your mind this morning?

Who is Jessica Simpson's new man?

Us has her plastered on the cover, with the headline "HER NEW MAN IS..."

I know you have seen the cover at the grocery store and you were tempted to flip through it - maybe even buy it. But then you remembered - RagHag will do it for me. No need for the embarrassment I'll feel when the checkout lady judges me.

Well, no fear - here it is: her new man IS... well, they don't know.

Seems that Jessica went to the hot celeb hotel Chateau Marmont at 1:15am on January 24, and didn't leave until 10am the next morning. And waiting photographers managed to snap a photo of her looking disheveled, wearing a man's button down shirt over the jeans she wore the night before. This is a classic example of - dum DUM dummmmm... the Walk of Shame.

So who's shirt was she wearing? Well, the people at Us don't know for sure, but they do note that Adam Levine, lead singer of the band Maroon 5, was staying at the hotel at the time.

I'm pretty sure it was him she was "visiting". She has a thing for singers in bands with numbers in their names.

As for other news - it was again pretty boring - the good gossip came out after the rags were published. One story that was in all of them - Madonna went out without her wedding right. And we all know what that means.

So after the mags went to print, it was announced that Sheryl Crow and Lance Armstrong broke up. Thank god. Maybe he'll go back to his wife. He seems like a total and complete asshole, doesn't he? And Sheryl - talk about unlucky in love. But I say she deserves it - only because she recently came out saying that she doesn't believe in plastic surgery and could never go under the knife. Well it's so clear that she has had tons of work done. I hate that shit.

But don't take my word - judge for yourself:

Check out this before

and this one

and this one.

And now check out the after.

and after.

and once again, after.

My gaydar may be off every once in a while. But my plastic-surgery-dar is spot on. It's all in the nose.

Okay - there's not much left to report - except Grandpa Munster died. As far as any other news in the rags this week - Gynneth Paltrow is having a boy... or a girl. Britney's pregnant again, or she's just fat. And Angelina and Brad are fighting... or are completely in love.

Same ole same ole.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

My Oscar Weiner Picks

Here's the code - I'm going to Bold the nominee I think will win, and then I will color in purple the one I want to win.

Best Picture:

  • Brokeback Mountain
  • Capote
  • Crash
  • Good Night, and Good Luck.
  • Munich
I think it's pretty clear that the Mountain's gonna take it. And as you all know - I love this movie. I've only seen two of the nominated movies - Brokeback and Crash. And though I thought Crash was really powerful and fantastic in its own way, the beauty of Brokeback - the story, the cinematography - will win out.

Best Director:

  • Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain
  • Bennett Miller, Capote
  • Paul Haggis, Crash
  • George Clooney, Good Night, and Good Luck.
  • Steven Spielberg, Munich
Again, this is a no-brainer. But I wouldn't mind if George won. I have been a fan ever since he was the handyman named, coincidentally, George, on The Facts of Life.

Best Actor:

  • Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
  • Terrence Howard, Hustle & Flow
  • Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain
  • Joaquin Phoenix, Walk the Line
  • David Strathairn, Good Night, and Good Luck.
I don't think this is a surprise either - Philip Seymour Hoffman will win. But I still am hoping Heath Ledger gets it. I'm telling you - I never really liked him or followed his career at all, and this performance was so - well, it was the best acting I've seen.

Best Actress:

  • Judi Dench, Mrs. Henderson Presents
  • Felicity Huffman, Transamerica
  • Keira Knightley, Pride & Prejudice
  • Charlize Theron, North Country
  • Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line
This is a toss-up - because it could easily go to Reese. But I think the gender and sexuality theme will continue through this category.

Best Supporting Actor:

  • George Clooney, Syriana
  • Matt Dillon, Crash
  • Paul Giamatti, Cinderella Man
  • Jake Gyllenhaal, Brokeback Mountain
  • William Hurt, A History of Violence
God I hope George the Handyman/Dr. Ross wins. He's just so frickin handsome. "Cute" isn't enough to describe him. He's beautiful.

Best Supporting Actress:

  • Amy Adams, Junebug
  • Catherine Keener, Capote
  • Frances McDormand, North Country
  • Rachel Weisz, The Constant Gardener
  • Michelle Williams, Brokeback Mountain
Weisz will get this. But I like Keener. I think she's a fantastic actress. I think Michelle Williams was great too. But I want Harper Lee to win it.

Original Screenplay:

  • Crash, written by Paul Haggis & Bobby Moresco; story by Paul Haggis
  • Good Night, and Good Luck., written by George Clooney & Grant Heslov
  • Match Point, written Woody Allen
  • The Squid and the Whale, written by Noah Baumbach
  • Syriana, written by Stephen Gaghan
I think Crash will take it - though I love movies like the Squid and the Whale - little movies with solid characters. And, of course, I hope George wins so I can see him again.

Adapted Screenplay:

  • Brokeback Mountain, screenplay by Larry McMurtry & Diana Ossana
  • Capote, screenplay by Dan Futterman
  • The Constant Gardener, screenplay by Jeffrey Caine
  • A History of Violence, Josh Olson
  • Munich, screenplay by Tony Kushner & Eric Roth
This movie is based on a short story, for christ's sake. And it's one of best stories I've ever read.

There you go folks - let me know what you think. I skipped the other categories cuz frankly, I haven't seen any of the animated or foreign films. But please, Lord above, please let "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" win best original song. PLLLEEEAAASSSE, members of the Academy!!! I want to hear the word "pimp" over the loudspeakers.