RagHag Diva

Dissecting all the weekly trash celebrity magazines so YOU don't have to!

Monday, March 06, 2006

Oscars Roundup

Jon Stewart is obviously not making sense to these Hollywood types. Because, see, he reads. And watches the news. Best response to a joke: Bjork couldn’t be here tonight because she was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her. HA. I get the sense that everyone in the audience just doesn't get Jon. They are all like, wait – is he making fun of us? Should I laugh and clap?

The montage showing the gayness of Hollywood western – “Mind if I look at your Winchester?” - classic and smart. I admit it - I LOL’ed.

And on with the awards.

Could Nicole Kidman BE any whiter? It's like she took notes from Michael Jackson and is getting some procedure to drain all pigment out of her skin. Then she says, hmmm, what will make me paler? I know - a WHITE DRESS. Her hair is practically white. So she presenting Best Supporting Actor.

Clooney wins. Dude he's hot. And charming. And caddish. But I don't know if it was Hollywood that ushered in the Civil Rights movement. I would comment more, but that background music playing during his speech is distracting the hell out of me. WTF?

Ben Stiller - funny guy. King Kong won for visual effects. Again with the damn music. I'm really going to hate this.

Here's Reese Witherspoon. Also wearing white - also looking pale. Did Hollywood run out of Mystic Tan? Seriously - is this a new trend? Will the lack of melanin be the hot look for summer? Wallace & Gromit won - oh they are wearing the big bow ties, cuz they are goofy animators. Dude did you see that scowl on Tim Burton's face after Wallace and Gromit won? Wow - bitter much?

Dude Naomi Watts has no pigment either! But she does have shine. It's called blotting papers, Naomi - look into it.

And then did you notice the cut to Jennifer Lopez in the audience sitting with Marc Anthony and Salma Hayek? Did they put all the Latinos together? They are already standing out because they have a little color in this pale sea of pallor tonight.

Dolly Parton - her waist is so tiny. It's the first thing you notice when you look at her. She's ALSO in white. And this song sucks. Ooooh --ooh ohhh ohhh oooooooh. Dude - my 14 month old could have written it. Now everyone's rockin' the Kodak, clappin with Dolly. Vomit.

Luke and Owen Wilson. Funny guys. Luke still looks like brother Mot. But he's bigger still. Owen looks like he's hung over, as always. Short film - Six Shooter - dude this music thing - I almost can't write - I cannot describe how it makes me feel - the awkwardness, the Hallmarkesque - oh here come's Chicken Little!!!

I like the look of Badger. That's my vote.

I lose - The Moon and the Son win - It's probably fantastic. Holy slit - that woman who won – her dress is cut up to here. Okay - the music thing during the acceptance speeches remind me of a bad piano bar act at a Hilton in Peoria

Jennifer Aniston - zig zag part - I bet that means she's over Brad. She also didn't get the pale memo. Dude, she’s so TV. The Geisha costumer won and is totally flubbing her moment. This is a nightmare. She's so xanaxed out. Ohmigod - so monotone. Makes the background music sound fanTAStic.

Russell Crowe. Talking really fast. Biopics. Real People. Good stuff. Who wants to bet Matt Dillon was thinking, “I didn’t know William Wallace was a real person!”?

Will Farrell and Steve Carell in makeup. Funny stuff. The Chronic won. And no, I still don’t like the background music. Ahh – sarcastic joke from Jon about the challenge that the makeup artists faced making Russell Crowe look like he was in a bar fight. Cut to Nicole Kidman – who managed a frosty smile on her icicle face.

Best supporting actress. Wow – Frances McDormand decided to stay in character when she got ready tonight – she looks like she just crawled out of a mine. Winner: Rachel Weisz. Whatever.

Lauren Bacall on a segment on film noir. Dude, is she ill, or drunk? Seriously, she stumbled thru that section as if she were an Olympic ice dancer. If she has had a stroke or something that I haven’t heard about, then I apologize – it’s understandable that she would have problems reading the teleprompter.

Terrence Howard is wearing a lovely diamond broach. It’s hard for a man to carry off the broach look. I’m not sure what it is. It sort of looks like the Rolling Stones lips – with the tongue sticking out. I bet it’s not. A Note of Triumph wins for Best Short Documentary. FUNNY – the woman who won thanked the Academy for sitting her next to George Clooney at the nominee luncheon.

Oh thank god - Charlize Theron is still tan. She’s announcing Best full-length documentary. I’m rooting for Penguins. YES – and they have stuffed penguins with them. Not real penguins that were stuffed – more like the Gund variety – stuffed animal. If conservative that brought their kids to see this film knew the creators of it were French, they would have boycotted it.

Dude – J. Lo is announcing? And what’s up with the puke green dress? She has a perfume. She shouldn’t be allowed at the Oscars. What’s next – Britney announcing Best Sound Editing?

Okay the Crash song – this chick who’s singing --- WAIT A SECOND! That male dancer just put his hand up that female dancer’s dress – like that scene in the movie. Dude – they can’t say “bitches” at the Oscars but they can show THAT? This song sucks, by the way. Ew. I have to go shower – I’ll be back.

Okay – now Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves are presenting – dude it’s like Speed all over again. NOOOOOO! Why do we let Keanu speak? Really – there should be some sort of law. Geisha won for best Art Direction. Oh, man. The winner’s partner couldn’t be there – she’s obviously sick. He said “Our thoughts and prayers are with you.” It must be bad. Dude – can you imagine – you work so hard all your adult life and you’re finally honored with an Oscar and you’re too sick to attend? God – seriously – I bet she has cancer or something. Jesus, that would suck. Well, congratulations, Gretchen Rau – and I hope you are well soon.

Sam Jackson introducing yet another film montage about serious issues in film. At least he left his Kangol at home. Okay we get it – movies not only entertain us – they change the WORLD!

HA – after the montage and the applause, Jon says, “And none of those issues were ever a problem again.” ExACTly.

President of the Academy time. Finally – I’ve had to pee for the last 40 minutes.

Phew – that’s much better. Salma Hayek. Mr. Diva is a fan. Her hair is all in her face – it’s totally bugging her. She can barely keep her mind on the teleprompter – she can’t stop touching it. It’s like there’s a fly buzzing around her perfectly coiffed head.

Musical montage now with Ishtak Perleman.

Brokeback wins for best original score. Oh I love that song.

Here’s Jake Gilally. (I know his name – it’s an inside joke – you know who you are). Okay Jake – we get it – DVDs are bad. The only way to see a film is on the big screen. Tell that to my 14-month-old.

Oh jesus – really? Another montage? Uh, guess what? We’re watching all these great big screen moments ON OUR TELEVISIONS!!! Dumbasses.

HAHAHA – Jon makes joke about the amount of montages! I KNOW, Jon!

Are you kidding me – Jessica Alba? She’s just on to get people like Mr. Diva watch. Wow – she’s can’t read either. She should just take off her clothes and be featured in Playboy. And for future reference, Jessica? That thing in front of you is called a microphone. When you clap your hands for the winner right into it, then the winners can’t hear their names being read by the incredibly hunky Eric Bana.

Ooh Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin. I love Lily. Very funny. Robert Altman gets the lifetime award. Dude I didn’t know he did Popeye. Wow – Altman’s all about plugging his upcoming projects. He had a heart transplant? Dude that was kept under the radar. Crazy.

Okay I’m losing steam. Oh, thank GOD – the pimp song. Okay – this is a good song. But come on – “A whole lotta WITCHES jumpin ship”? And it wins! This should be a good acceptance speech. You know what I’m saying? Hmm – they only had to bleep out one word from the acceptance speech. If you could call it a speech. But they are pumped – having fun. Thank god – I was slipping into a coma.

Sound editing. Jennifer Garner – whoops – she slipped! But she recovers nicely, saying, “I do my own stunts.” Very cute. And she looks good – ample bosom. A perk of babymaking. Dude – King Kong won - and one of the guys who accepted has a major stutter. Wow – that takes balls to actually talk – I’d be all – “Thanks” and give a nice wave and a smile.

Here’s Clooney again. Man he’s hot. Oh, he’s introducing the dead people.

I kind of hate this because I always feel bad for the people who don’t get a lot of applause. I mean, Mr. Miyagi practically brings the room down, but what about Joel Hirschhorn, the famous dead composer? Nothing. Or John Fielder? Moustapha Akkad? Nothing. Onna White, Robert J. Schiffer, Guy Green? It’s sad. It’s like junior high and these are the kids picked last for kickball. It’s sad.

Okay Will Smith presenting Best Foreign Language Film. I’m guessing the Palenstine movie ain’t gonna win. I’m going with Tsotsi. And I am correct, yet again. How awesome am I?

Film editing: Crash.

Okay here are the big ones – Best Actor. It’s totally going to PSH. But Heath was so awesome. Ew – who was Joaquin mouthing “I love you” to? He totally creeps me out.

Hillary’s wearing her ring, btw.

Yep – goes to Philip Seymour Hoffman for Capote. Totally didn’t see it. It’s on my Netflix. Dude is that his MOM? Dude, that is so not his mom – that’s his girlfriend, right? God I hope so – cuz something isn’t right if that’s his mom.

Jamie Foxx - has to make a 3 6 Mafia joke – it’s okay, Jamie. We all know you’re street. Best actress – goes to Reese Witherspoon. I totally thought they would give it to Felicity Huffman cuz she had to get all ugly for her role in Transamerica. Reese gives a cute speech – but I have to wonder if she took a page out of Sarah Jessica Parker’s book – act all surprised and humbled but have your speech all memorized, thanking everyone from the director to the caterer, who you know by name. I think it’s a bit too precious. Maybe I’m just jealous cuz she’s like 26 and has her shit so together.

Now onto Best Director – and it goes to Ang Lee, for Brokeback Mountain. Excellent choice. He’s such a talented director – one of the best of our times. I mean – think of the variety. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Sense and Sensibility, The Ice Storm. That’s crazy talent right there. So Brokeback must be a shoe-in for best pic. I may as well turn it off and go to…

Wait a second. Did I hear correctly? Best Picture goes to…. Crash? The John Singleton rip off about race relations in Los Angeles? That has Brendan Fraser, Sandra Bullock AND Matt Dillon? Dude – after seeing Brokeback Mountain, I thought about it for days. I mourned for the characters and the injustice that some people in this country are not allowed to love. I fell in love with the beauty of the West. I felt a deep sense of injustice that there are people in this country who just want to live lives we heteros take for granted – unassuming lives that are shared by loved ones.

And they give it to Crash? Yes, Crash made me uncomfortable and stressed out, but I was not changed after watching it. I don’t mean to say that the injustices against minorities in this country don’t exist – because they do. I guess what I do mean to say is that the injustice against people not being allowed to love simply because they’re gay – well, I never felt the sadness of that until I saw Brokeback Mountain. And I just can’t believe that this groundbreaking movie wasn’t honored for this. Because I think this movie changed the people who watched it.


Blogger Sara said...

Poor Jon Stewart - he tried hard, didn't he? My husband calls the "In Memorium" the popularity contest. As for Best Picture, I too was upset. I saw Crash and didn't think that much of it. I mean, they really beat the audience over the head with thier message. I was rooting for Brokeback - I haven't seen it, but I have heard wonderful things about it, and have read the short story.
Good recap you made me laugh!
PS did you know that Brokeback was filmed in Alberta????? Scott and I saw some filming one day - alas it was Jake and Heath free.

11:59 AM  
Anonymous Nuwanda Girl said...

It turns out the young woman with PSH was his WIFE. Thank god, I was beginning to wonder whether he had one of those "special" moms.
What do you think Jack Nicholson and Keira Knightley talked about? World Peace? Gerrymandering in Texas?
I still think he was drunk and announced the wrong best picture winner.

12:17 PM  
Anonymous mot said...

great wrap up, rag hag. I agree with most of your observations. My advice to the academy is get rid of the middle part of the show that is pointless and runs for WAY too long. They waste time giving out awards no one cares about and then rush all the important awards at the end. Let the important people speak at the end too. All those pointless awards should be given out before it the TV portion begins. Reese deserved to win but her speech was definitely memorized. Jon Stewart rocked.

1:03 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Breedorf said...

"Gilally" (HA!) and I lost track of time and missed the entire show. What would I have done without the Rag Hag Recap? I, too, am miffed that Crash won.

9:14 PM  
Anonymous harmonica said...

Great recap, RagHag! Give Lauren a break though... she's 84 and looks FABULOUS. I love her. Love her. Reese gives me gas. Now, Crash wasn't all that bad. It could be worse. It could be "Shakespeare in Love" or "Titanic". I think you need to subscribe to Variety, RagHag. I guess that Crash did a HUGE media blitz the past month which got everyone talking about the movie again and not about Brokeback. It's all political... I just remember about 10 years ago when Diane Ladd wanted to be nominated for an Oscar SO BADLY (because she was getting older and, after all, her daughter Laura Dern was going to get nominated) that she did a huge media blitz in Variety to get a nomination. She did. She lost. And we don't care... but she dies happy becaue she goes to her grave as an "Academy Award Nominated Actress."

9:57 PM  

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