RagHag Diva

Dissecting all the weekly trash celebrity magazines so YOU don't have to!

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Rosie's Butchin Up The View


HOW AWESOME IS THIS?

The View has selected Rosie O'Donnell to fill Meredith Vieira's seat
, while Meri goes off to flirt with Matt Lauer every morning.

This is a BRILLIANT move. First, I should disclose I am a huge Ro fan. I just watched her HBO Special "All Aboard!" - about a cruise she set up for all gay and lesbian families - and I totally cried like a baby, like, multiple times. All of these happy children, of all different colors, being loved by two caring parents - it's moving, and if you haven't seen it, you should. I actually looked up adoption websites after watching it and told Mr. Diva that we were adopting our next kid. But then I realized I would be taking a child away from a loving gay couple and that wouldn't be right. It's a conundrum. I mean - I have a husband and we have all the parts we need to make our own kid. Whatever - that's another story.

Let's talk about how Survivor Elizabeth's head is going to exPLODE having to talk to a honest to god lesbian every day. There's nothing I hate more than a young, white, Republican pretty girl. Stupid entitled bitch - went on a reality show and got herself a job. 2nd string quarterback's wife with a baby and a stalker. Dude, I saw her come on one show with a Women for W banner - as in George W. Oh man, Rosie's gonna tear her surviving ass apart.

And STAR! Ro just said some shit about her - about how it's okay to talk about her breast lift that she almost died from, but it's not okay to talk about her gastric bypass, which she obviously had. No, she just implies she did some pilates and ate carrots. Have you seen fat Star? Ain't no SlimFast gonna achieve that so quickly.

Joy now has some competition in the funny department. I hope the two of them gang up and get Star and Elizabeth Stepford booted.

Dude, it worked. I'm totally watching. And I haven't watched since the Women for W incident. Kudos, producers. You've reeled me back in.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Está Despedido, Nannio!


Britney fired her nanny, according to gossip fave Jeanette Walls, (who had a crazy upbringing herself - read her book).

I love the quotes emerging from this story.

“She wanted to be a mother and thought she could snap her fingers and be the perfect mom,” one of her supposed friends tells In Touch. “But Britney is learning the hard way that being a good mother is something you always have to work at.”

WOW! You are totally kidding me. No wonder the finger-snapping thing isn't working for me. I have callouses on my thumbs and forefingers, while my kid is sitting in the dog's water dish chewing electrical cords.

She also consulted with a doctor who gave her this wise advice: “The doctor advised her not to leave Preston on any high surfaces where he could roll off.”

I never thought of that? Thank god nothing happened when I put Baby Diva on the kitchen counter and went out for a jog. I should have probably consulted that wise doctor.

I smell something gamey - I know - it's the smell of goat - as in SCAPEGOAT. Just like that CIA lady. Poor amiga.

Dirty Birdie


So it was Kevin Costner who whipped it out while getting a massage at St. Andrews.

This was a blind item several weeks ago, and I was sure it was Michael Douglas who slapped the salami while getting a massage. Cuz come on - he comes off as a dirty old man. But Kevin Costner was there the same weekend, and now it turns out it's him.

Dirty dirty bad actor.

Thanks, Mot, for the link!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Ana Lucia's Goin' To Jail


Yep - she chose the clink over community service.

I hope they treat her better than she treated Henry Gale.

We Should Probably Call CPS To Warn Them...


US says Britney's definitely knocked up.

I don't buy it. I think she's just fat. But whatever - if she is, it just makes her whole story even sadder, which I didn't think was possible.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Sienna Extensions Miller Holding the Spawn of Law


Does this mean they are back together? Again?

God, do I even fucking care?

The Wha? Beneath Her Wings


Check out People's Quote of the Day

I love feathers, because feathers then join as wings and … I always say, 'Spread your wings, fly without strings.' - Paula Abdul, hawking her feather-adorned jewelry on QVC

Hey Simon and Randy - what time is it? Yep - time for an intervention! Put it on A&E, have Dr. Phil run it, but for god's sake get her some HELP.

If you want to laugh, check out her ad on QVC.com.

Best Girlfriend Rule #1 - No Mackin on Husband


Nuwanda Girl woke me from my fog to tell me that Denise Richards is hooking up with Richie Sambora.

But, I thought, isn't she, like, best friends with Heather Locklear, Richie's estranged wife?

She wouldn't do that!

Oh YES SHE WOULD!!!

It's in People, for the love of god. You know that shit is TRUE.

Wow. That's slutty. I wouldn't even steal your imaginary, fictional boyfriends, NG.

Matrimonial News You Couldn't Care Less About...



Gillian Anderson, aka Sculley, is getting divorced.

And Matt Dillon's brother married his fetus' momma in Vegas.

RagHag Roundup - He's Just Like the Rest of 'Em


Nuwanda Girl, you are not going to like this story. So if you want to keep your romantic illusions about James Blunt intact, it would be best if you stop reading.

According to OK! magazine, James Blunt, the singer/songwriter of the unrequited love song, "You're Beautiful" is no different from any other man out there. He's a cheater.

So I guess he's engaged to an "heiress" named Camilla Boler. But this engagement could be kaput due to a "New York fling" with British TV personality Tara Palmer-Tomkinson. Looks like she was on a reality show over there, her dad was Prince Charles' ski instructor, and she's been in rehab for the other kind of snow - the one you snort.

OK! says T P-T said, "If nothing had happened, then I would have come right out and said nothing had happened. I haven't done that, have I?"

She went on to say that Blunt told her he was single when they romped. Bastard.

I guess the story is HUGE in the British tabs. I'm sorry to burst your romantic notions, NG. It upset me terribly as well.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Restraining Order!


Looks like Denise Richards is playing hardball!

Charlie Sheen totally comes off as a brute - but he denies he pushed and shoved her around. We'll see how this one pans out.

Is this Irony?


Or just stupidity?

It seems that the casting directors of "United 93" did a good job when the filled the role of one of the hijackers.

Another Remake Has Been Cast


So because there are no original ideas in Hollywood, we are going to be subjected to yet another remake of a bad 80s television show.

John the other Scientologist Travolta is gonna be J.R. Ewing and J-Lo will be Sue Ellen in the movie version of "Dallas".

I never really watched Dallas. I was a daytime soap freak in those days. But even if I did, I have a feeling that I wouldn't watch this film if I was trapped on an airplane for a trans-continental flight and this movie was on a repeating loop.

The Tomatoes are Flying...


You know how Julia Roberts is on Broadway right now? Well, the reviews are in, and they aren't good.

I mean, when the Boston Globe says, "'Three Days of Rain.' Two and a half hours of Julia Roberts. One hundred and fifty minutes of tedium," it may be time to take your final bow.

I don't know much about the NY theater scene - Nuwanda Girl may have some insight here. But if I were Julia, I would be having a hard time crawling out from underneath the covers.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Just In from Mot: George Michael Up In Smoke


Seems George Michael LOVES his green.

Obviously he was stoned when he picked out that sweater.

"Toby Bourke, who dueted with George on the 1997 single Waltz Away Dreaming, claimed: 'Drugs have turned him into a stoned waster and made him depressed. Dope is his poison.'"

Hey man, I've seen it happen plenty of times. But most of my friends who hit the gravity bong on an hourly basis tended to balloon in size, mainly due to the Ding Dong and Ho-Ho consumption.

I've never seen anyone too stoned to sing a song. He must have some gooooooood shit, man.

I Guess I'll Just Rent "Ask the Dust"


Well, sad day my friends: a celebrity sex tape will not adorn video store shelves.

Colin and his ex-'girlfriend' (more like ex-booty call) came to some sort of an agreement and she will not release the videotape of them engaging in bumpin uglies.

He said it would damage his career. Hmmmm. Didn't damage Pam Anderson or Tommy Lee's careers. And it sort of made Paris Hilton's career, such as it is.

I wonder if, you know, down there, he ain't no blockbuster.

Colin - we girls don't care about the size of the pencil. We just want you to know how to draw.

Eat Up, Tom!


I know this is supposed to be a light-hearted, shallow gossip blog, and usually if I put pics up, they are of pretty people, but I wanted to share with all of you what Tom is gonna be eating.

I apologize if you were having lunch or a snack when you opened this.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Babies are Popping Out All Over Hollywood!



Brooke Shields had her kid, too!!

How interesting that they had their babies on the same day, after the whole brouhaha about Tom being pissed that Brooke took Paxil for post-partum depression.

Veeeeerrryy Innnteeeeresting.

The News Is Breaking Fast

It's a girl and they named her Suri.

Suri. With the fringe on top?

Well, Hallelujah, The Baby's Here


TomKat had their kitten.

So get out your knife and fork, Tom - cuz there's gonna be some GOOD placenta eatin tonight!

So let me get this straight - we don't get to know the name or gender, but we get to know that Tom's gonna eat the placenta - which IS a human organ and, after discussion with some Diva friends, is in fact cannibalism.

20 bucks says they name it Hubbard. Hubbarda if it's a girl.

And just in case I haven't said it in a while, Tom Cruise is freakishly small.

Monday, April 17, 2006

African Queen (or King)


We won't know for another month, probably, but Angie, Brad and the Benneton crew are off to Africa.

Isn't this like Mr. and Mrs. Humanitarian? They can't be like all the other celebrities who just name their kids after the place they were conceived (Brooklyn Beckham? Indiana Affleck? Paris Hilton?). Noooooo. They have to actually GO to weird places.

Now they say they MIGHT give the baby a Namibian name. I googled "Namibian Baby Names" but all I got were reprints of articles about Brangelina. I think they should be original and name him Bob. If a boy, that is. If it's a girl - Jane.

Dude check out his Maddox-hawk.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

"We're Just Scientologists"


And there's more TomKat news, this time about their religion.

But I've gotta stop right here and just state that I have a pretty hard time classifying Scientology as a religion.

I mean - come on. Whatever. I'm not gonna get all worked up about it.

The biggest bullshit line in this article: Cruise shrugs off the stories of family friction, telling Sawyer he's close with ``the whole family'' and - ``absolutely, yes'' - they approve of Scientology.

Why does he even speak? Everytime he does, he loses a few more fans. I can't even watch "Jerry Maguire" anymore, and I totally loved that movie. Damn Tom Cruise!

And dude - why does he always, always walk ahead of her while holding her hand. If Mr. Diva did that to me, I'd bitchslap him.

File Under "T"


Not for "Tom Cruise", but rather for "Too Much Information"

Note, please, that his quote never refers to Katie or any woman, in fact. Nope - Tom employs the ole gender neutral trick when talking about his "spectacular" sex life. Partner, person. Doesn't help dispel the gay rumors, Tom.

And why do celebrities in general, and creepy celebrities in particular, think it's necessary to tell us about their sex lives? Like, I love you guys, but I would never post details about my sex life with Mr. Diva. You're welcome. See? No one wants to hear about anyone's sex life. We just like gossiping about them.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

It was only a matter of time...


Uh, I just want to state, for the record, that I called this in, like, October.

So the AP says only that Child Protective Services were called, but does not give a reason why. But Star, of all pubs, has the scoop.

But is it the whole story? Star says little Sean Preston fell out of his high chair, onto his head, and cracked his skull. But they were so fucking stupid that they didn't bring him in then. They brought him into the ER six days later, when they realized that SP has been sleeping more than usual. Child Protective Services were notified of the situation as a matter of routine.

Hmmm. Fell out of the high chair. I guess if she's stupid enough to drive with the infant on her lap, she's stupid enough not to take the 1.3 seconds it takes to fasten the safety belt. Now that I think about it, I don't think my kid was even using his high chair at 7 months. Maybe he was - I've been so sleep deprived I'm lucky I remember his name (cute little Moses).

I think there is way more to this story - I'm sure we'll learn more in the days to come. That poor child. Money can't buy common sense.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Holy Moses


Gwyneth had a boy, and named him Moses.

Now I could go into a whole spiel about what a crazy name this is and celebrities are out of control with these bizarre names they have going, and for christ's sake, they named their daughter after a fruit, so now they are naming their son after a Bible figure isn't that a little much to live up to yadda yadda yadda.

But I must come clean. We almost named our kid Moses.

No lie. We were this close. And if we have another boy, Mr. Diva says it's definitely Moses.

Why does Mr. Diva have a say, you ask? Well, I read a long time ago about a deal John Travolta has with Kelly Preston - he names the boys, she names the girls. That's why they have a kid named Jett.

So I thought that would be fun. Until he was threatening to name him Moses. But the name grew on me and now I like it - we probably would have called him Mo.

And how Gwyneth and Mr. Coldplay came up with the name is rather sweet - he wrote a song for Gwynnie called "Moses". It's a good song.

But here's the thing - I don't think they gave him a middle name. That's pretty ballsy. Cuz it's Moses or nothin for this kid - Moses Martin.

But I like it. It's a hell of a lot better than Orange.

Friday, April 07, 2006

I had to find this out on my local late-night news....

Matt LeBlanc and his Wife


Matt LeBlanc and his Co-Whore

Joey cheated!

'Member a few entries ago when I mentioned that Matt LeBlanc - Joey from "Friends" - was divorcing his wife? Well, People's got the scoop why - he was cheating on his wife with his CO-STAR from JOEY!!!

Not the chick from "The Sopranos" - the other one, the blond chick who played his neighbor Alex. What's totally weird is these two had ZERO chemistry on the show (yes, I was one of the eighteen people who watched the show). It reminds me of that one "Friends" episode, where Chandler was dating the actress who dated Joey, and he was all jealous cuz she was in this romantic play with this guy and they had tons of chemistry. Joey said, "Oh, well then you're fine." He explained that you can tell the actors who have slept together off-stage because they don't have chemistry. How foretelling.

But I digress - turns out his wife didn't know about the affair AT ALL. He just left one day. And after he left, she was all, "Are you sleeping with someone else?" and he was all, "Yeah."

But then, his wife wanted to work it out, go to counseling. Until she got a call from his lawyer who said, "Uh, Joey's filing divorce papers tomorrow."

Well, he probably didn't refer to his client as "Joey".

So THEN, according to my local news, his wife found out who he was cheating with when the co-whore, I mean co-star, called her and confessed!!!

DUDE.

And the really shitty part is Joey and his wife have a daughter who is totally sick and only 2 - she has some sort of neurological disorder.

What a fucking asshole.

I HATE JOEY!!!

I'M GLAD YOUR STUPID SHOW WAS CANCELLED!!

I HOPE SHE TAKES ALL YOUR MONEY, INCLUDING YOUR RESIDUALS!!

Hey Joey, wanna know "how you doin?" Not very well, dude. You could possibly be the worst human being alive. Next to Osama Bin Laden. And Paris Hilton.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Uh...



This freaks me out.

Worst Media Secret Confirmed Today


Katie's going to play with the big boys.

I say good. I'm sorry, but I can't stand Katie Couric. Now she's moving to the evening news, a dinosaur on the verge of extinction. Have a good time with all that.

Now, the race is on to fill Katie's stilletos. Who will it be????? God, I hope they don't make it Star Jones - rumor has it she's about to be canned from The View. Well, whoever it is, it will be better than Ms. Katie. She's just so insipid.

Update! Looks like it's going to be Star's co-host, Meredith Vieira, sitting next to Matt in the morning. They even used my stilletos line. I never claimed I was original.

Great Material from Mot

I haven't even had time to open my browser when I get a message from Mot on IM - he says BREAKING NEWS!! I knew it had to be good.


And then - before I get a chance to finish THAT article, he sends me another with this message: "Here is the only example of where i have no problem with beating your children."

I sooooooo agree, Mot. Thanks for the links!

Monday, April 03, 2006

A Great Idea for a New Blog


It would be called "The 5 S's"

"Stupid Shit Sharon Stone Says"

I would never run out of material. I thought for my Weekly Raghag Roundup, I would share with you the best ones from this week's magazines.

Question (Q): Is family important to you?
Sharon Stone's Stupid Shit Answer (SSSSA): I always wanted to have a big family. I feel superblessed.

Q: Are you softer now than when you made the first film (Basic Instinct)?
SSSSA: There are different seasons in your life. I had that period of my life when it was all really fascinating to me and I was consumed with it, and I thought that it was all fantastic and that I was amaing [laughs]. Now I'm over me.

Sharon Stone's view on adoption: "I believe adoption is God's other birth canal, and I'm very supportive of it."

Q: There's been so much written about your flash scene in the last movie. What's your take on it now?
SSSSA: Well, I never expected you to be able to see up my dress! But I do think it was very interesting and relevant.

On geeky guys: "Guys who think they're cool aren't cool to me. The kind of guy I'm looking for would want to wear Spongebob pajamas and sit in the front row at a school play."

Okay I have to stop - this could take all night. But you see where I'm going with this. And let me just throw this in at the end - the proverbial cherry on top. And nice yellow lipstick. I think I had a tube in the 80s.

Speaking of the 80s, there was some juicy 80s gossip in one of the mags. OK! reports that - now sit down, because this hurts: Jack and Kristina Wagner have broke up!!!

Uh, wha? You don't know who Jack and Kristina are? Do the names FRISCO and FELICIA ring a bell???? That's right - General Hospital, baby, circa 1988. I had a pretty serious crush on Jack Wagner. At the height of his fame, he put out an (gulp) album. Yes, I had it. I had it on cassette, thank you very much. And, um, I went to see him in concert. Twice.

So he's single again. Alas, Frisco, but the Diva is married. We're like two ships, passing in the night. All....I.....NEEEEED is just a little more time.....