RagHag Diva

Dissecting all the weekly trash celebrity magazines so YOU don't have to!

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Shiloh is a Namibian Name?



As you already probably know, the chosen one has been born.

Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt has joined us mere mortals here on Earth.

She was born via c-section (due to being breech but we think she wants to maintain her vaginal tone), weighs 7 pounds, and poops pure gold.

Gwen Stefani must be pissed, cuz she had her baby too this weekend and no one noticed. She even gave him an obnoxious pretentious name: Kingston James McGregor Rossdale. And STILL no one noticed.

Babies are popping out all over the place I can't even stand it.


Thursday, May 25, 2006

Bring Britney Back from the Brink


Perez Hilton has a great link to this site, www.bringbritneyback.com.

That's all I've got today, folks. That middle-aged guy won American Idol. Lost's finale made me even more confused, even though I was promised some answers. And at midnight tonight, RagHag is on vacation!

Whoo-hoo. I will have my laptop and will update when babies emerge in Africa. In the meantime, have a great extended weekend, my American readers.

And to my international followers - it's Memorial Day on Monday. Most Americans mix it up with Labor Day, which is in September. W.E. - long weekends rule.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Happy Birthday Mr. Diva!


It was Mr. Diva's birthday today - so I didn't get a chance to post much.

Thank god the African Christ Child wasn't born today, though Brad Pitt released a statement and you would have thought he discovered a cure for cancer with the coverage it got.

Happy Birthday Mr. DIIIIIIIVVVA! Happy Birthday to YOOOOOOUUUUUU.

LCB.

Nicole Purges her DJ, Again


There's been rumors of this breakup flying around for weeks, but since these people aren't really celebrities as much as a reality star and her gastric-bypass dj boyfriend, I simply ignored them.

I should continue ignoring them, I guess, but since Nicole Richie's bones are on display in every celebrity rag out there, and since that dj guy seems like a genuinely nice person, I'll report the demise of their union yet again.

One day, I will be able to articulate how I feel about this generation of celebrities without working myself into a fit of seizures. Until then, I'll just twitch in private.

Monday, May 22, 2006

RagHag Roundup: The Reality Behind the Most Romantic Weddings


In Touch ran a story on the top 10 most romantic weddings. While I was reading it, however, I had some thoughts that were a bit contrary to the gushy article. So without further ado:

RagHag's Take on In Touch's Most Romantic Weddings

10. Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. Jen almost forces Brad to include, "I promise not to have sex with, run off to Africa with, and have a baby with Angelina Jolie," but then thinks - nah, he'd never do THAT. I'll just make him promise to split the difference on the thermostat.

9. Robert Downey Jr. and Susan Levin. Hmm, thought Robert, when I get married, how do I show the world that I'm off drugs? I know, I'll wear a lavender shirt, a purple satin tie, lavender tennis shoes, and a purple polka-dotted scarf around my neck!

8. Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani. In Touch says making your guests AND groom wait for an hour before walking down the aisle is romantic. I say it's just bad etiquette. She was probably getting her roots touched up.

7. Celine Dion and Rene Angelil. Celine's headdress had 2,000 crystals on it and weighed 7 pounds. She had 532 guests and wore a 20-foot veil. She wore a hand-sewn French gown. And she still looked homely.

6. Julia Roberts and Danny Moder. Pretty Woman got married at midnight wearing a cotton halter dress on her ranch in New Mexico. Wedding favors: peyote and monogrammed water bongs.

5. Jason Priestly and Naomi Lowde. Obviously placed on list in error. Was supposed to be included in the "washed-up Aaron Spelling celebrities wedding photos" section.

4. Russell Crowe and Danielle Spencer. Russell and his band, 30 Odd Feet of Grunts, performed three songs that he wrote specifically for his bride at their reception. Now if THAT's not romance, I don't know what is.

3. Kevin Costner and Christine Baumgartner. How can I show my new bride that I love her while on our honeymoon, Kevin thought. I've got it! I'll pleasure myself in front of my masseuse.

2. Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey. Honey, I've got a totally awesome idea. After we're married, we'll have cameras inside our house 24 hours a day to document our first year of marriage. It will, like, totally strengthen our marital bond.

1. Donald Trump and Melania Knauss. You know what they say - 3rd time's a charm.

RagHag Roundup: Star Out, Gayle In?


You know how Star Jones was reportedly booted from The View? Well, Star Magazine is saying that Gayle King is gonna take her place.

Who's Gayle King? Uh, only Oprah's BFF.

Man it would be nice for her to get a job from someone other than Harpo Productions.

RagHag Roundup: Sharon Stone Embarrasses Herself...


... again.

So In Touch says Sharon Stone was at Prince's house for a party. She was having a great ol' time and decided it would be a good idea to dance on Prince's pink and purple sofa. With stiletto heels on.

Well, Prince's minions didn't like it, and yelled at her to stop while shining a bright light in her face. She was so shamed that she left.

God, I hate it when I dance on Prince's pink and purple sofa with my stilettos on. So humiliating. I totally feel your pain, Sharon.

RagHag Roundup: Baby a la Mode


This is not shocking or surprising in any way shape or form. Which makes it even funnier.

In Touch reports that Anna Nicole Smith has already picked out a name for her baby if it's a girl: Cherri Pie.

I'll just leave it there.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Britney Almost Drops Baby Sean P.


Dude, I am not making this up.

TMZ.com has a photo slideshow of the entire incident.

Notice how her drink is intact. Doesn't spill a drop.

For the love of Jesus himself, please please please help Baby Sean P.

I'm thinking of starting a 501c3 non-profit for him - the Save Baby Sean P. Foundation.

Write out your checks to Ms. RagHag Diva, President and Founder.

TMZ.com will have video of it on Friday at 7pm eastern time.

Anatomy of a Star Sighting


Wednesday, May 17, time: 2:30ish pacific.

[phone rings]

"RagHag? It's Nuwanda Girl," (Those ARE our given names, you know.) "I am standing about 20 feet away from Hugh Grant."

[squeals and laughter]

"No WAY!" I replied.

"Yes WAY! But I have to keep my voice down, I'm trying to keep cool. He's filming a scene for his movie in the park (aka Central Park). "

"Oh I read about that movie. Do you see Drew Barrymore?"

"Hold on a sec, let me get around this thi... YES, there's Drew Barrymore."

[more squeals and laughter]

"Oh wait..." The disappointment in Nuwanda Girl's voice is heavy. "That girl's way too fat to be Drew Barrymore. It must be her stand-in."

"Awwwwww."

[pause to take in new information]

"So," I said, "This is your third celebrity sighting of the day!" I received an earlier email from N.G. stating she saw Isabella Rossellini:
Dude, I saw Isabella Rossellini in the park this morning. She was
walking her dog, looking totally UN-GLAM and pretty old, but not a hag like
Farrah Fawcett.
(This first star sighting did not warrant a phone call.)

"Well, two and a half. WAIT!" NG exclaimed. "It IS Drew Barrymore!!!"

"WHAT??"

[silence]

"Man, she's fatter that I thought she would be."

"Yeah."

[SCENE]

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Nicole's Allowed To Speak


Now that baby Suri has been born and MI-3 has been released, Nicole Kidman is allowed to break her silence and confirm her engagement to country musician Keith Urban.

Dude I am telling you Tom Cruise most likely made her sign something ordering her to keep quiet about her news until after his media blitz ended. I totally would not put it past that freak.

What is it about Nicole and short guys, eh? Is she just freakishly tall? Cuz it looks like she'll have to put all those high heels she bought after the Tom Cruise breakup on eBay.

Paul Renews Lonely Hearts Club Membership


Good news, Mama Diva! The rumors we talked about the other day are indeed true - Paul McCartney and wife Heather Mills are splitting!

Now's your chance to make that move. You've waited long enough. He's 63 now - you can get with him and be his new woman when he's 64.

Hee hee.

Yeah, so Mama Diva asked me about this a few days ago - Heather was staying at one of their kazillion houses without Paul. They said it was cuz she was getting fitted for a new prostetic (that old line again) but turns out there was trouble and they needed help.

So that's it. She's leaving home. Paul will get through this, with a little help from his friends. And who knows, maybe they will come together and they can work it out.

(Hey, just be grateful I went with the song titles instead of the one-legged jokes. Cuz I've got a ton of those, too.)

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Somebody Please SAVE SEAN PRESTON


There are so many things wrong with this picture, I don't even know where to begin. As I am the proud mother of Baby Diva, who is about 9 months older than Sean P., I declare myself an offical expert.

1. Baby Sean P. is facing forward. All new carseats declare all over the directions that babies are supposed to be in rear-facing carseats until they are 20 lbs. AND a year old. AND - not OR. So even if Baby Sean P. is over 20 lbs. at 8 months, he still should be in a rear-facing carseat for four more months. Why? Cuz if she gets into a wreck, he'll totally be thrusted forward, and as you can see, his neck muscles are not strong enough to sustain such injury. Which brings me to...

2. His neck. Yes, when babies sleep in their carseats, they tend to flop over. But this is insanity. First, if he was in a rear-facing carseat, this wouldn't be an issue, because the seat would be tilted in such a way that it wouldn't flop over like that. Second, babies with weak neck muscles are supposed to have a head cradling pillow around the head so flopping doesn't occur. He may be too big for the cradles that are out there - they are usually meant for newborns. But what we did for Baby Diva was take some swaddling blankets, rolled them up, and surrounded his head with them. Of course, he was in a rear-facing carseat.

3. Baby Sean P.'s right shoulder is clearly not strapped in securly. See how it's flopped forward? That's not right. It's hard to say if he's even strapped in at all - but assuming he is, the straps have clearly not been tightened enough. Both shoulders have to be secured to the seat. If she got in a wreck, he'd be airborne faster than her career is going down the shitter.

4. Who in their right mind would put a 8 month old baby in a front-facing carseat in a convertible? There are so many things wrong with this. One, if she got in a wreck, the kid would definitely be roadkill. Second, the sun exposure could burn that delicate soft baby skin to a crispy bacon consistency. He needs a hat, long-sleeves, sunscreen. Third, babies don't like wind blowing in their faces. It makes them lose their breath - difficult to breathe that way. We still don't put Baby Diva's window down, but that's because he'd probably lose it on us and scream like a monkey being attacked by a sloth bear. Regardless, convertibles + babies = bad fucking idea.

5. Curlers???????

Here's the thing that really gets me - sure, people make parenting mistakes all the time. Most of them don't lead to major injury, or that's all we'd be hearing about on the local news. But Britwit already has two strikes against her: Strike One - driving with Baby Sean P. on her lap; Strike Two - Baby Sean P.'s nosedive out of the highchair. This is definitely Strike Three. Too bad parenting doesn't follow the rules of baseball. But here's the difference between Briwit and the rest of the awful parents out there - the awful parents aren't being photographed every second of their lives. She must KNOW she's scrutinized. Shouldn't she go out of her way to do everything correct, so people like me will be forced to make fun of OTHER stupid celebrities?

She should shape up, or stay behind locked doors. It's a win-win, really.

Try Surviving the Clink, Richard


Richard Hatch, the naked winner of the first season of "Survivor", has been sent to the other island - Riker's Island.

Okay, he's probably not going to Riker's, but he is definitely going to the slammer.

51 moths for for tax evasion on - get this - his winnings from "Survivor". His defense was basically stupidity - 'But I didn't know I had to pay taxes on that!' The judge didn't buy it - and gave him the harsh sentence because it was clear he was lying on the stand.

A little advice, Richard. Going naked on the island may have made your castmates uncomfortable but I have a feeling it won't throw off any of your fellow cellmates. I would stay as clothed as possible.

Cheaters Never Win


Awwww.... "Joey" was cancelled.

Guess you shouldn't have slept with your co-star when you were married and had a sick baby at home. That's too bad.

It's called karma. Go ask Earl about it. You know Earl - the one who's show was NOT cancelled on your network.

Thanks to Mot for the linkage!

Monday, May 15, 2006

RagHag Roundup: Runaway Bride 2


I thought I would try a new format for the RagHag Roundup.

Most of the crap in these magazines is publicist-generated bullshit. So I thought I would report on those choice golden nuggets that interest me - the pieces of information I actually remembered after closing the rag and casting it aside in the pile with the rest of them. So let's try this and see how it goes, kay? Kay.

So People snuck in a little gem of a story in their Passages section, my favorite section of the magazine, by the by. Jennifer Wilbanks - the Runaway Bride who faked her own kidnapping to get out of her over-the-top wedding - called it quits AGAIN. Remember when she returned and her fiance, John Mason, was all 'I still love her and I forgive her and God forgives her and we're gonna still get married'? Well, it ain't happening.

It's too bad - I had such high hopes for this couple. Now they REALLY have to return all those gifts.

Raghag Roundup: Fat... or Fat like a Fox?


Star's cover story is "Weight Winners and Losers", and featured prominently is Janet Jackson.

There have been pics of Janet looking pretty hefty. Now she has a new album out, and she's fit and fabulous.

But I was thinking... was she ever really fat? In all the Fat Janet pictures, she's wearing huge baggy sweatshirts, sweatpants, and sometimes even leggings under that.

I know Janet's had weight issues in the past, but how crafty would it be to go out looking heavier than she really is, and then, right before her album release, she slim and sexy.

Janet is a first-rate media manipulator. Remember Nipplegate? How that was a "wardrobe malfunction"? But if it was really staged, wouldn't we have seen just a regular ol' nipple - and not that huge sun nipple shield. I mean, I highly doubt she wears that on a daily basis cuz that thing looks painful, not to mention the snags it would create in her sweaters. She's rises way above the average celebrity stunt. She does things that seem really unintentional, making us all talk about it, right before her album is released.

So, is her miraculous weight loss really a case of Scalegate? You decide...

RagHag Roundup: Bad Do's Prohibited


Star and In Touch both report that Rosie O'Donnell, as part of her contract to co-host The View, is not allowed to get her hair cut without prior approval.

I totally saw the episode of The Isaac Mizrahi Show where she got that asymmetrical 1988 haircut. It brought back really bad high school memories. Not only was my hair asymmectrical, but it was frosted. Oh man, was I hot!

Anyway, this is actually pretty standard stuff and they go on to say that everyone needs Barbara Walters' approval. Okay, so I'm not sure if it's actually Barbara giving the folicle thumbs up. But I can just see that conversation so clearly....

RagHag Roundup: Weird Pairing of the Week



Us reports in its "Hot Stuff" section that Katie Couric is dating musician/songwriter/producer David Foster.

Oh, I forgot to include in his list of titles - Bad Reality-Show Star.

David Foster's family was featured in the hideous short-lived "The Princes of Malibu". He married Linda Thompson in 1991. Linda Thompson was married to Bruce Jenner and had two kids, Brody and Brandon Jenner. These two spoiled entitled asses were the princes of Malibu. The show got cancelled, and Linda filed for divorce.

So now he's dating the future CBS Nightly News anchor. Mazel Tov, kids. Have a good time.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Examination of Earlier Stories, per Mama Diva's Request


Sorry I didn't post yesterday. I wasn't feeling too hot, but really there's nothing gossipy going on. I mean, if Angelina had her Namibian Pitt yesterday, you know I'd be all over that like a Buddhist Sanskrit tattoo on a left shoulder blade.

So since there's not a hell of a lot to report, and since Mother's Day is on Sunday, I thought I'd discuss a few things Mama Diva asked about. I LOVE The Mama Diva. Happy Mom's Day!

Katie Holmes' Prenup

London's Daily Mail ran a story this past weekend saying Katie's prenup entitles her to a cool $40 million should they fairytale end. Sounds like a good deal, right? Well, get this - the zombie gets $15 million even if they don't get married at all. Have you ever heard of someone getting a buttload of cash even if she pulls a Jennifer Wilbanks and ditches him at the altar (wink wink nod nod nudge nudge Katie)? Sounds like she's getting paid for having his kid, doesn't it? You know what? For $15 million I'd totally have a kid for Tom Cruise. I think Katie is crazy - crazy like a fox, don't you? I just may have to call her "Kate" from now on. Not because Tom Cruise wants me to (I love that he keeps telling the media to call her "Kate" and they keep calling her "Katie", by the way), but because girlfriend is a STEPFORD GENIUS!

Star Jones' Future On "The View"

Looks like Star's getting canned. Page Six says it was a condition of Rosie O'Donnell's hiring. AWESOME. Man do I hate Star Jones. I'm sure I said this before, but you know how people say, "She'd be such a pretty girl, if she just lost that darn weight!"? Well, turns out Star wasn't so pretty. She was way prettier when she was an extra-large woman. Everything about her makes me want to vomit - her product-placement, over the top wedding, her honeymoon in Dubai, her obviously gay husband, her 'I won't admit I had gastric bypass but I'll fess up to a boob job' mentality. I know we Divas are supposed to stick together, but Girlfriend gives Divas a bad rap. 10 bucks says she does a reality show with husband Gay Al.

Ashlee's Nose

Ashlee Simpson's huge-ass nose looks, well, less huge-ass. She ain't talking, but a picture of a less huge-ass nose is worth a thousand words.

Here's a side-by-side comparison.

Here's a pic of the old schnozz.

And, here's a pick of the new schnozz.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Have that Baby One More Time

Well, the Mother of the Year has confirmed that she is bringing yet another Federline into the world.

I'm not really sure if there's anything else to say. I mean, a highchair or carseat joke is too easy, too obvious. Maybe I'll say this: as far as the KFed sperm is concerned - survival of the fittest doesn't necessarily make it the smartest.

Let's see - Baby #1 was born last September. Baby #2 is due in October.

There's just so much wrong with whole thing. I need to go make myself a drink.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Are We Sure Nicole Kidman Didn't Fall from a Palm Tree?



So, Keith Richards fell out of a palm tree and had surgery, but from the comments in the latest Ladies' Home Journal, I think Nicole Kidman is the one with the brain injury.

Everyone knows that Tom Cruise is on his way down the popularity slide - Keith Olberman said he was suffering from Post-Stardom.

So why would his ex-wife, who has become a huge successful actor and international star since splitting from him, and who has finally found some success in the romance department in Keith Urban, say this:

"He was huge; still is. To me, he was just Tom, but to everybody else, he is huge. But he was lovely to me. And I loved him. I still love him,"

Now, what would compel her to say this now? The public is hating him, talk show hosts are making fun of him, and his new Stepford just has his kid?

She still must be programmed.

What she should do is call up Oprah, set up a prime-time interview, and tell us all what he's really like. If she did this, I swear on this blog, that I would pay full price to see every single one of her future movies. Twice.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Donna Martin Marries! Again!


Truly. Madly. Deeply. Tori.

That's one of the several Tori Spelling-related tattoos Dean McDermott has on his body.

Now he also has something else - a wedding ring.

But both of them know that you can take THOSE off, seeing as they were both married when they fell in love.

But nevermind that. They are soulmates and hopefully will live Torily Ever After.

Good call hightailing it to Fiji, Tori. And even though I thought the whole hooking up with someone while you were married was pretty hoochie, I still like ya. I know that means a lot to you.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Someone Buys Nicole Richie a Mirror


and it appears she has actually looked into it.

So, Nicole admits she's too skinny. But if you read the article, you notice that everyone dances around the word "anorexia".

Like, here, in this quote:

Her medical team characterizes Richie's weight as "in the realm of anorexia," the magazine reports. However, Dr. Jeffery Wilkins, vice-chair of the department of psychiatry at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, points out, "Our evaluation could change at any time."

WTF does "in the realm of anorexia" mean? Either she's anorexic or she's not, no?

Wilkins adds, "We're all concerned, and she's concerned, but it's either going to improve or it won't. If it's not anorexia, she should be able to gain the weight. If it ends up being anorexia, we'll help her with that. I think she's willing to look this in the eye."

Maybe I'm uninformed, but I've seen the pics and the girl's skin and bones.

At least she's getting the help she so obviously needs.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

I'm Not Sure if This is News or Not...


Anna Nicole Smith, who just won the right to go after her dead grandpa's - oops, I mean husband's - money after going to the Supreme Court, is preggers.

I'm not really sure what to do with this. So I'll just put it out there and y'all decide.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Another Blonde Bim Dumps Aging Rocker


Man - when it rains, it pours. Is that saline or silicone dropping from the clouds?

I wonder if Donna D'Errico's best friend will jump Nikki Sixx now. Probably only if there are cameras.

I guess his mullet will have to cover his neck from now on, huh?

Stavros Niarchos's To-Do List


1. Turn 21, inherit £170 million.

2. Dump stupid spoiled whore girlfriend Paris Hilton.

After a week of way over-the-top parties thrown by stupid spoiled whore girlfriend Paris Hilton to celebrate the fact that he is now legal and rich, Stavros does the next logical thing - ditches the bitch.

Awesome.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Adopting is the New Black


Now Halle Berry's jumping on the adoption wagon.

Let's see - Angelina, of course, Meg Ryan, Ewan McGregor. Ro, Tom and Nicole, and of course, the woman who started it all, Mia Farrow.

Dude, so I did a quick search to see which celebrities have adopted, and came across this fantasic list. But why do they list Billy Bob Thorton as a celebrity adoptive parent? He totally didn't adopt Maddox the Madness with Angie. But they were still married when she adopted him, weren't they? So here's a question - if someone's married and adopts a child, does her spouse automatically becomes an adoptive parent as well? Any insight to this would greatly ease this Diva's pretty head.

Hey, I'm all for adoption. My cousin adopted a little girl from China about 6 months ago and she's awesome. A Diva in Training. So as far as trends go, this one's a hell of a lot better than that little pocket dog trend. But I hope that these celebrities know that adoption is forever. It's not like, say, getting hair extensions. I mean, I don't want to ask, but what happened to all of those tiny pooches, anyway? I hope they weren't tossed in the trash with those Louis Vuitton dog carriers.

T.G.I.Fingers?


I know this isn't celebrity-related, but the way Hollywood's going, they'll turn this guy into a reality star - or maybe he'll star in T.G.I.Friday's commercials as part of his settlement, ala Kramer and "The Beach - Calvin Klein". He'll be the next Jared.

Man, I really wished he ordered chicken fingers. Now that would have been funny.

Geriatric Falls Out of Tree


This is the weirdest story ever.

Keith Richards scares me.