RagHag Diva

Dissecting all the weekly trash celebrity magazines so YOU don't have to!

Monday, May 22, 2006

RagHag Roundup: The Reality Behind the Most Romantic Weddings

In Touch ran a story on the top 10 most romantic weddings. While I was reading it, however, I had some thoughts that were a bit contrary to the gushy article. So without further ado:

RagHag's Take on In Touch's Most Romantic Weddings

10. Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. Jen almost forces Brad to include, "I promise not to have sex with, run off to Africa with, and have a baby with Angelina Jolie," but then thinks - nah, he'd never do THAT. I'll just make him promise to split the difference on the thermostat.

9. Robert Downey Jr. and Susan Levin. Hmm, thought Robert, when I get married, how do I show the world that I'm off drugs? I know, I'll wear a lavender shirt, a purple satin tie, lavender tennis shoes, and a purple polka-dotted scarf around my neck!

8. Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani. In Touch says making your guests AND groom wait for an hour before walking down the aisle is romantic. I say it's just bad etiquette. She was probably getting her roots touched up.

7. Celine Dion and Rene Angelil. Celine's headdress had 2,000 crystals on it and weighed 7 pounds. She had 532 guests and wore a 20-foot veil. She wore a hand-sewn French gown. And she still looked homely.

6. Julia Roberts and Danny Moder. Pretty Woman got married at midnight wearing a cotton halter dress on her ranch in New Mexico. Wedding favors: peyote and monogrammed water bongs.

5. Jason Priestly and Naomi Lowde. Obviously placed on list in error. Was supposed to be included in the "washed-up Aaron Spelling celebrities wedding photos" section.

4. Russell Crowe and Danielle Spencer. Russell and his band, 30 Odd Feet of Grunts, performed three songs that he wrote specifically for his bride at their reception. Now if THAT's not romance, I don't know what is.

3. Kevin Costner and Christine Baumgartner. How can I show my new bride that I love her while on our honeymoon, Kevin thought. I've got it! I'll pleasure myself in front of my masseuse.

2. Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey. Honey, I've got a totally awesome idea. After we're married, we'll have cameras inside our house 24 hours a day to document our first year of marriage. It will, like, totally strengthen our marital bond.

1. Donald Trump and Melania Knauss. You know what they say - 3rd time's a charm.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

The songs Russell Crowe sang were written for previous girlfriends. He should not be on the list either.

3:30 PM  
Anonymous Poker Strip said...

And it has analogue?

2:27 PM  

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