RagHag Diva

Dissecting all the weekly trash celebrity magazines so YOU don't have to!

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

And Then There Were Three

Sorry to keep you waiting - I know you all are dying to find out what happened. But Raghag had to work. And unless you want to send in donations in order for me to update all damn day long, y'all are just gonna have to wait.

So, as I promised, I watched "The View" today. It did not disappoint. Since I'm too much of a luddite to figure out how to transfer from DVR to YouTube, let me fill you in:

The drama begins at the opening credits. They have these punchy graphics and music to get the show started, and then one by one, a picture appears of each host with their names. A little bit ago, there were 5 pics: Meredith Vieira, Star Jones, Barbara Walters, Joy Behar and Elizabeth Survivor. Well, Meredith ditched them for a cushier gig on the "Today Show".

So yesterday there were 4 pics: Star Jones, Barbara Walters, Joy Behar and Elizabeth Survivor. Then Star decided that she was gonna announce she was leaving without telling anyone. According to a radio interview she did with Ryan "I'm Not Gay" Seacrest, Joy and Elizabeth had no idea she was canned. Man, you would think with all the estrogen around there it would be impossible for a secret to be kept. She then went to People and said she was basically fired. This is all without Barbara Walters' permission, mind you.

What did I say about crossing Barbara? Well, hell indeed hath no fury.

Today - the opening credits only had 3 pics: Joy, Survivor and Barbara.

The graphics team must have been up allllll night editing her out.

So the three of them walk out and do their smiling and waving like it's a normal day, but then they sit, and there's a bit of an awkard silence.

"And then there were three," says Barbara.

"And then there were three," parrots Joy, most likely thinking 'please don't fire me, please don't fire me'.

And thus, Barbara begins. My personal commentary is provided in italics. Barbara's intonations are in brackets.

"This is truthfully a difficult day for us and a sad day for us." Sure, sure.

"If you were watching The View yesterday," or surfing the Internet or reading the paper or doing anything other than living under rocks, "you would have heard Star announce that she is leaving the View and will not be on the program next fall."

"We didn't expect her to make this statement yesterday." That explains Joy's fainting spell. "She gave us no warning and [pause for effect] we were taken by surprise." i.e. this was not cleared by me.

"But the truth is that Star has known for months that ABC did not want to renew her contract and that she would not be asked back in the fall. " Take THAT Ms. Jones!

"The network made this decision based on a variety of reasons which, [pause - lowers voice] I will not go into now. " I will do so in my primetime special, "The Reasons Why I fired Star Jones."

"But we were never going to say this. We wanted to protect Star, and so we told her that she could say whatever she wanted about why she was leaving and that we would back her up." Damn! Feel pretty stupid NOW, don't ya, Star?

"We worked closely with her representatives and we gave her time to look for another job and we HOPED that she would announce it here on the program and [pause] leave with dignity. But Star made another choice. " Snap! That Barbara's cooooooold.

"And since her announcement yesterday she has made further announcements that has surprised us so it is becoming uncomfortable for us to pretend that everything is the same at this table. And therefore, regrettably, Star will no longer be on this program [pause - lowers voice] except for some shows that have been pre-recorded. So if you do see her, you'll immediately recognize that it's a repeat and you should change the channel and watch The Price is Right"".

"The View helped make Star a star." Don't mess with Barbara.

"And Star helped make The View the success that it is and we will never forget that." At least we won't until the commercial.

"We wish her well in this new chapter in her life, as we begin a new chapter on The View." Sure, sure.

"And when we come back we will do what we do best, or worst, Hot Topics." [Big smile]

Then Joy pipes in, "Yes we will. We'll be back." Please don't fire me Barbara. I'll fix you your coffee. I'll buff your callouses. Please please don't fire me.

Applause - cut to commercial.

And there you have it. Like Star never happened.

It was awesome.


Anonymous nuwanda girl said...

Great Wrap-up RHD. Like Perez says, now Star will have more time to go shopping with Gay Al.

Now if they would only get rid of the dumb survivor girl. IQ of a doorknob.

6:14 AM  

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